Change in perspective..

And like the wind changes direction, so does my outlook...

Which can be good or bad. So the work situation I was lamenting yesterday, today seems like a blessing, heaven on earth, I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Isn't that funny how that can happen sometimes?

Today I attended on off site work meeting and got to work from home in the afternoon. Since this is normally a work from the office day it meant One Philly Son was at day care while I worked. Ironically, I found myself both amazed at how easy it was to focus and get things done, appreciating the relative peace and quiet and also missing him like crazy. I had to fight the urge to pick him up early, just to have him with me. How confusing motherhood can be!

For some reason the total lack of control I have over my work situation seems less horrific today, more manageable, just another of life's mysteries instead of the world on my shoulders.

So I'm going to run with this new sunny outlook for as long as it lasts. Which I'm guessing will be until the next resignation announcement....

Patience is a virtue

Every now and then I start to wonder about my life.

Am I happy with what's going on? Am I being true to myself? Am I shortchanging myself in anyway? Can I be proud of the life I am leading and the choices that I am making?

Currently these questions center around the issue of working and my family.

Do I want to work? Do I want to work full time? Do I want to work where I am working? Am I happy doing what I'm doing? How do I best provide for my family while taking care of myself?

Never mind that my current work-from-home schedule is what I dreamed for and worked very deliberately for, never mind that I am currently living what we planned for as the "best case scenario."

I'm sure it doesn't help that my professional life is in a bit of turmoil at the moment. Talks and water-cooler gossip about mergers, resignations and the like don't make for a fulfilling atmosphere.

It can be pretty hard to put your heart and soul into work when your work is filling you with uncertainty and doubt.

I think my real "problem" is not so much with whether or not I am happy with my situation, but with how long my current situation will last. The unknown is always a bit unsettling, particularly when you have no control over the unknown.

I'm a bit of a planner. I know what bills I'm paying with what paycheck through the end of the year. One Philly Daddy and I have been planning when to start trying for baby #2 for months now. And it's still months away. I've already started saving for One Philly Daddy's dream vacation to Las Vegas for his 40th birthday. Which is 6 years away. I debate the virtues of our school district, even though my son is not yet 9 months old.

But all I can do in this situation is keep going to work, and wait. (Quitting for the sole reason that I am stressed about what might or might not happen just seems silly.)

If you haven't guessed, I'm not all that patient!

So, I think I'll use the situation at work of not knowing what is going on as an exercise in letting life unfold, being open to what may came, and trusting that everything will be ok.

If I plan it right, I should be ok with this situation in no time at all!

My struggle with weight...

I ran into an old boyfriend recently who'd I'd once asked if he'd love me more if I weighed 10 lbs less.

Sadly, or to his credit, depending on your point of view I suppose, he said he could not answer because he didn't want to lie. We all know that means the answer was yes.

I'm also reading Losing It: And Gaining My Life Back One Pound at a Time by Valerie Bertinelli right now (my office sells used books for 25 cents in the lobby for fundraising, so its not like I went looking for it, but its a good train read), so I've been thinking about weight and its struggles.

Bertinelli talks of times when she was young and thought she was fat, talked about her self as fat, expected to be treated a certain way because she was fat, and then looking back on those photos and realizing she wasn't fat in her youth at all.

I think most of the girls I know thought of themselves as fat when they were young. God knows I did. Which is sort of hilarious looking back. I attended my senior prom with my then boyfriend, and then attended the prom my freshman year of college with a good friend who was going to be a priest and therefore didn't have a girlfriend. Since I was a year more worldly, I wore the same dress, not caring who saw and noticed. But it makes for an interesting comparison since the pose and the dress are the same.

The year I attended as a senior in high school I am straight as a stick on the side view. I did have a chest (thanks to my Polish Nana, we were never lacking in that department), but zero behind, hips or waist. Thank god for my chest, or I'd be built like a boy. By the next year there was a noticeable rear, though still not big by any means. That year I spent much less time comparing myself to all the thinner and more beautiful girls, and just had fun.  

But as I young girl, I think it is almost a rite of passage to be negative about your appearance and weight. I can't think of one of my young girl friends who thought she was ok just the way she was. And yet so many look back on those years as the time they looked the best.

I currently weigh what I weighed when I found out I was pregnant, even then my ideal was a few pounds lighter. I'm probably 5 lbs from my personal ideal and am considered to have a healthy weight. But when friends or co-workers compliment me and tell me I look good or thin or got "back into shape", I am quick to point out those last few pounds instead of just saying "thank you." Most of my new-Mommy friends respond in the same way.

My point in all of this is not whether any of us was fat or thin, but how distorted our thinking could be from reality. And my distortion did not go nearly so far as those who ended up with eating disorders, so I can't imagine the pressure they put on themselves. I think for some reason, we feel compelled to point out the pounds we haven't lost, instead of the ones we have (I did gain 40 lbs when I was pregnant, so being 5 lbs from my ideal should be something I'm proud of, not ashamed of).

Try to see yourself as you really are, not the distorted not-good-enough self, try to say "thank you" instead of "no I'm not" when someone points out something good about it.

I bet it feels a whole lot better.

By the way, you look great today.

Self awareness goes a long way

This morning I was walking from the train station to my office when I heard a driver yelling at someone who'd gotten in her way. This woman was smoking with one hand, gesturing with the other, and presumably driving with her knees.

As she swerved around the offending car (who I think had the right of way) I caught a glimpse of her license plate.

It read:

"Mean People Suck"

What does a "great day" mean to you?

I am currently having a great evening, though it might not seem great to all people.

I filled One Philly Son's bath tub extra high (don't worry, I was extra careful) in an effort to give him some practice for our summer pool plans. I wanted him to splash and laugh and have a good time. I wanted him to be comfortable in the water when we took him to the pool. And boy did we have fun! It took him a little extra time to be comfortable, but once he figured out what all this extra water could do, wow! We splashed, we laughed, we splashed some more. By the end of bath, he was laughing even when the water splashed right in his face. Who knows if this will actually lead to a positive pool experience for him, but at least we had fun tonight.

I guess the bath tired him out, because he fell asleep nearly 45 minutes early.

Since One Philly Daddy is out at Happy Hour with some friends (his idea of a great night), I am camped out in bed, with the laptop, a bag of microwave popcorn, the remote and some TIVO'd shows I wanted to catch up on. I'm sitting around in my robe, watching some sappy TV (right now Brothers and Sisters), eating not-good-for-me food.

Clearly, this is not something I can do every night, but this is good for me, rejuvenates me. Which is good because I've got a crazy busy weekend ahead of me!

But this is what a great day looks like for me!

Lessons learned by being married...

Marriage is a funny thing. By some standards marriage is only considered "successful" if it doesn't end in divorce. Which means you only really know if you've succeeded or failed at the end of the marriage, one way or another.

As a daughter of divorce, there were times in my life I assumed that I was somehow destined to fail, or at the very least, not be good at this thing called "Marriage". I'd read all the statistics (in this sense, all those Sociology and Psychology classes in college were terrifying. "I have a 7 in 10 chance of doing what?!?!?!") and sort of figured a successful marriage was about as likely to happen as me sprouting a tail and horns.

Which was very, very saddening for me. For many reasons. There was little I wanted more than a happy, healthy home, and to build that for children of mine. Some people dreamed of being a lawyer or a doctor. I wanted to join PTA and take my kids to soccer practice. I wanted a haven from the world, a place that felt free, relaxed, accepting and safe, even though I had no idea how to go about doing any of that.

I also have a bit of a stubborn streak (one of the many gifts passed on from my parents) and do not like being told what I can and can not do. So all those Sociology and Psychology books telling me it was "statistically unlikely" for me to have a succesful, happy marriage and raise happy well-adjusted children was like a big fat dare.

And I took that dare.

I've read all kinds of books on marriage, love, you name it: Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage (written by Elizabeth Gilbert, the witty, brutally honest author of Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia) and Surrendering to Marriage spring to mind.

I read novels, I read research papers, I read articles in magazines, I quizzed my friends, family, nearly strangers on the street. Just how do you go about this, what have you learned that I can borrow,  what should I do?

Now that I'm nearing my 3 year wedding anniversary, I'm relaxing into my role as "wife" a bit more. I'm not so certain every word out of my mouth is "the wrong" thing to say, or that every disagreement is something that needs to be examined and searched over for clues as to what it all means, what our future holds.

Of course, my husband has been a great help in this process. Not because he sits down with me and talks out his feelings or examines every nuanse of our life together with me (though sometimes he does.). Because, he shows me by example, this is how it is done.

"You can be scared or brave and make mistakes and be angry and be happy, and not know where life is going to take you, and I am going to be right here."

It is a staggering lesson, and one I might never fully comprehend, but it is quite possibly the coolest thing I've ever learned.

Brand new SAHM

So, SAHM means Stay at home Mom - there are secrets codes to this motherhood thing that I've had to learn - just like when I was on all the blogs and boards when I was planning my wedding. I had to learn MIL and DH and MOH (Mother-in-law, Darling Husband, and Maid of Honor, in case you were wondering.).


So today we got an announcement at work that a woman who's been with the organization for 13 years has decided to be a SAHM. She has two young children, but also has what I would call a "career" and is in middle management.


I had a host of reactions to this announcement:


Sadness: This person, though not in my immediate work universe, was someone I respected and liked, and I will miss her.

Empathy: I know that this decision could not have been easy for her. As far as I could tell she thrived at work and enjoyed her position, but also adored and loved her children.

Curiosity: Just how does that work, I mean logistically. Benefits, left over vacation time, loss of pay, loss of day care bill.....how does it work?

Jealousy: That she will be free to be the Mom, and Just The Mom. That she can gaze into her kids eyes everyday and enjoy every new and amazing discovery. That she can make cookies and read books and go to the park whenever she wants too.

Closely followed by:

Dread: At the thought of being Just The Mom, because of course that also means Chief Cleaner-Upper, Toddler-Follower-Arounder, Driver, Nurse, Cook, etc with no built in reason for getting up and showered and dressed, and out of the house. Even if just a few days a week.

Relief: For her. That at least she's come to a decision. I can relate in only the smallest way to the inner conflict that being a working Mom entails. (Since I don't have 2 kids and I get to be home with mine and work 3 out of 5 working days).

What I don't feel is disappointment that she gave up her career or that she didn't choose to continue to balance both working and being a mother.

I'm happy for her and hope that her choice brings her and her family peace and joy.

Best Summer Ever

We are getting ready for the Best Summer Ever!

At least I'm not building it up too much in my mind or anything...

Sunday we went to visit Mermaid Lake, and were pleased to find it doesn't have nearly as many rules as some of the other swim clubs we've looked at. Of course, there are always going to be rules whenever there's a group of people together. Unfortunately, plans need to be made to accommodate for the most irresponsible. But some of the clubs we looked into seemed like it'd be hard to have fun there were so many rules.

Mermaid's rules seemed to be common sense, but flexible. Things like swim diapers and no abandoning your child alone in the pool, not matter how big the floatie. So we're all signed up and ready for a summer of weekends at the pool!

The same weekend the pool opens we have plans for my birthday and Memorial Day with friends.

The first weekend in June we are headed to Wildwood, NJ, our favorite shore town, AND have tickets to a Phillies game.

And all that happens inside a 9 day period!

In other news, I discovered a fabulous thrift shop (and found somethings I've been looking for, for cheap! I wanted a punch bowl for my birthday "celebration" and found a nice glass one, with ladle and 12 cups for $6.00. Yes. $6. If you come to my house, be prepared to have some punch!), and our grass seed (planted the weekend of the stomach flu and stitches) is starting to sprout, and my stitches came out today! What a day! What a summer!

So, with only an ounce of hesitation and caution, we're dubbing this, the Best Summer Ever!

Sunday funday?

Well, we're (sadly) nearing the end of the weekend, which, like many of them, has gone way too fast.

As with many weekends, this weekend has been a combination of fun and work.

Saturday we went to PARX (previously Philadelphia Park) to sit in the picnic grove and watch the horse races. A few friends went with us and it was a fun day spent in the sun. Our son had a great time, although I think the heat did make his naps a bit uncomfortable. But for the most part, a fun, fun day.

Today we cleaned the house. Ick, right?! I'm on a "I hate cleaning" kick at the moment. Not that I ever liked it, but I was nearly manic in my weekend clean ups. Now, I just want to do it once and be done. Forever. Seriously.

On top of the daily/weekly chores like dishes, laundry and mopping the floors, I have a list of things I'd like to get done like: put away our winter coats - since we live in a lovely shoebox with no closets, we have a coat rack at the front door - functional but also in need of occassional clean-up maintenance. I also want to put some of our photo albums and other knick-knack stuff into storage, ideally before One Philly Son starts pulling things off shelves. Sometime in the near future we're going to need to child-proof cabinet doors, electrical sockets and staircases.

So, its not just the cleaning that irritates me, its that, even if I keep up with the "normal" cleaning, I am still behind.

Gloriously, One Philly Daddy helped enormously today. He did the bathroom and changed the sheets and washed our couch slip covers and took out trash. (And watered the grass which we hoping grows and fixed some parts of the fence that needed reinforcing. I know he's going to read this and if I miss anything that he did, he'll be sure to remind me. I think I got it all. But check out the comments below in case I missed anything...) The point being, he helped with some of the normal clean up chores, leaving some time for me to work on the "other list".

Of course, all of these lists are never ending, with more being added quicker than we can cross them off the list. Making it important to know when enough is enough, and its time to have some fun!

So, we're off to visit Mermaid Lake! Let the fun return!