Are you too nice?

My husband and I experience the same frustration, over and over again, with some of the details changed out.

It might sound familiar to you.

I consider myself a strong woman and believe firmly that each of us is responsible for our own happiness and that it is imperative that we "take care" of ourselves, that to not take care of ourselves is, in fact, reckless because of the harm it causes to our sense of well being and therefore, those around us. (If I'm miserable, I'm bound to make those around me miserable...)

And yet.....

Well, let's start at the beginning.

I've been trying to get back into shape and "take care" of myself, and about a week ago I decided to go to a yoga class I've loved but not "had the time" to make it to in a few months. I looked up the class I wanted to take and wrote it on my calendar, intending to attend the class. I knew this was something that would make me feel good and strong and rejuvenated.

Then, about 3 days ago I "realized" (I'd known all along...) that the class was at 7 pm, about the time my son goes to bed. Well, I decided it wasn't such a good idea to go to yoga after all, I mean, it is my son's bedtime, and what kind of mother would rather go to yoga than put her darling baby to bed. So I figured I would just work out in the morning.

Well, this morning I did not fit in a workout before my son woke up and wanted to be fed (in my defense, he keeps waking up earlier and earlier...), so I hoped to fit something in this afternoon or evening. Since the weather was so darned nice I suggested to my husband that we all go for a walk as a family. Again, thinking, this would be "good" for me. Some time out of the house, not cleaning or working, just walking and talking (talking with my husband about "nothing" is my favorite thing in the world).

My husband said he wanted to go for a run when he got home from work, but that we could go for a walk sometime in the evening. At some point I realized that I'd been considering running a 5K in a few weeks and mentioned that maybe I should run instead of going for a walk to my husband.

When he got home, he ran, showered, we ate dinner and as I was cleaning up he asked if there was anything he could do for me. I let him know there was some music I could use downloaded and asked him to work on that...he got into the task of downloading the music for me, which was a much more complicated task than I thought it would be.

About 20 minutes into I told him that I didn't want to work on dowloading the music anymore. I mentioned it again 5 minutes later. But at that point, he was consumed by the task at hand, and wasn't going to be distracted.

An hour and a half later he emerged from the office, clearly proud that he had figured it out, and happy that he had accomplished this thing for me.

I was ticked off.

All I wanted was to get out and fit in one measley run! By now it was our son's bedtime, and dark out, which meant my husband was worried about me running...

There are a few facts that make the entire night a little unfair to my husband:
1) He had no idea I'd already compromised what I really wanted to do at least twice, all for the "greater good" of whatever I'd decided was the "right" thing to do
2) I never said to him "get off the bleepin' computer, I want to go for a run already!!!" or any variation of that message
3) I was barely able to express my gratitude for downloading the music for me

Now, before you decide that I am nuts or deliberately trying to make my husband nuts, let me explain.

I didn't change my mind to make anyone confused or crazy. Its because I'd decided the "new" way would be better for the family somehow. I'd be there to put my son to bed. I wouldn't "make" my husband go for a walk when he'd already done his workout. I could still fit in everything that I "had" to do and not infringe on anything that anyone else wanted to do. No one would have to accommodate me in any way.

Trust me, my husband and I have been through and talked through this enough times that we can pretty openly talk about what happened, without a lot of animosity. He's sorry he forgot I wanted to run, I'm sorry I just didn't say what I needed.

Still, I realize its got to be a bit annoying.

So here's my advice:

If you are a woman who compromises what you want to do, please, try to learn how to stand next to your husband and say "Could you wrap that up, so I can please, please, please have 15 minutes to do what I want to do?" And don't be embarrassed for needing something or worried that he'll be annoyed that you are bothering him. Just learn to say what you want and need. (And then, please, call me and give me the secret...)

If you are a man married to a woman who is too nice, please, listen to her off-hand, quiet, "no-big-deal" requests - they may be more important to her than she lets on. And then, remind her that she'll never get what she wants if she can't ask for it....

And I did get to run after all.