Pressure

I was talking with a co-worker who is still nursing her daughter recently and we commiserated over the pressures and challenges of continuing to nurse while working and being a working Mom.
There’s the pressure to continue nursing because that’s what’s best for baby. But once at work, there is an opposing pressure. We feel like there’s the idea that we shouldn’t “take the time” to pump while at work, especially in the current economic environment. Everyone’s job feels precarious right now, so drawing attention to myself for “not working” doesn’t seem like a good idea. And since I feel extra pressure to provide for my family now that I am a working Mom, the pressure to keep my income feels doubled.

I’ll tell you a secret you probably won’t believe: I work a lot harder now, even though I work from home 3 days a week.

Not only do I feel additional pressure to provide for my family and do well at work, but I also feel like I am being scrutinized closer than ever. Do people think I’m not working enough, do they feel my quality of work is keeping up? When I work from home, I know that people are carefully observing how long it takes for me to respond to emails and phone calls. Do I sound professional enough when I’m working from home? Because I feel the extra pressure and extra scrutiny I feel like I have to work even harder just to prove myself. (Its like the pee-wee coach who so desperately doesn’t want to be accused of favoring his own son, that he pushes his son harder than he’d ever push anyone else’s son…)

And yet, I’ve never been told that I can’t pump at work. I’ve never been told I need to reply to emails quicker. I’ve not been told I’m not getting enough done. Even the pediatrician told me to nurse as long as I could, but that when it no longer felt worth the stress and strain on me, that it was ok to stop. But just considering to stop nursing fills me with conflict and guilt. It is, after all, what is best for my son. Why would I not want to do what is best for my son?

So are these pressures real or perceived?

Am I really being scrutinized more closely? Or is it just me putting some extra pressure on me?

If it is “just” me, where did it come from? How and when did I come to conclusion that I had to nurse, work, keep the house, cook dinner, etc?

Already today I've unloaded the dishwasher and put in a load of laundry and have another lined up and ready to go. I'm at the laptop working, hoping to fit in a workout sometime today, thinking I probably need to get up before 6 to fit that in.....the toilet really needs to be scrubbed and our hampers are exploding.

But the sun is shining and today is another day. If today isn't the day I conquer the world, maybe I can pull it off tomorrow.....