This weekend I attended my cousin's wedding.
On the surface that seems like a pretty simple thing, but she is my father's sister's daughter. While my father's family remained amazingly present and generous in my life following my parent's 4 year acrimonious divorce, I have had only limited contact with my father since I was 12. (that means I've not talked to him for longer than he was in my life, by a long shot)
His influence on my life was pretty twisted and unhealthy, so I expected to feel anxious, nervous, perhaps even afraid when actually in the same room with him. My strongest feeling was that under no circumstances would One Philly Son be in the same room as my father, but beyond that I wasn't experiencing much stress or worry leading up to the wedding.
Once at the wedding, it became apparent that my father is old, tired and rung out by life. He appeared to be tired, afraid and unhappy.
Breaking the cycles of abuse, undiagnosed and untreated mental illness and poor emotional coping skills takes a lot of crying, work, soul searching and facing the ugliest truths.
I am proud and honored to know many people who have taken that journey and aided me on mine.
What I faced when looking at my father was a man losing that fight, not a monster who could terrorize. What I saw was a man run by his demons instead of facing them. What I saw frightened me because it is only by the grace of something much larger than myself that I do not look like him. Sad and dead in the eyes, with fear and lonliness.
He and his current wife and children only lasted a short time through the reception. My heart breaks for how that family felt that night. Family members told me he doesn't talk to anyone but his sister (who is a truly amazing person).
I thought I might feel fear or anger even, but I felt pity, relief (that my path went a different way) and compassion.
His actions make it impossible, senseless, unhealthy and dangerous to my well being for me to interact with him, but as a fellow human observer, I know he is in pain and unhappy. And I wish his journey was different.
sky's the limit
"And you? When will you begin that long journey into yourself?" - Rumi
I admire your view of the situation. Knowing the pain of abuse, the ability for a child of that abuse to not only no longer fear their abuser, but feel empathy for them is amazing. I applaud your strength and character. It's sad that he will never know how amazing you are, despite who he chose to be.
ReplyDeleteThank you, though I'm certainly not the only one out there on this journey. One foot after the other as they say!
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