Color me embarrassed...

I attended a birthday party with my kids recently. It was a children's party with water balloons, sprinklers, and lots of perfect raucous fun. 

Toward the end of the party, One Philly Son was speaking to a girl he'd been chummy with and her mother. His own birthday party was the next day, and he seemed to get along well with this girl, so he was telling her that she "had" to come to his party. We'd never met this girl before, so it was clear that wasn't going to happen, but us grown-ups were dancing that awkward dance of social nicety around our kids' blissful ignorances to it. "Oh, I'm sure she has other plans!" and "Thank you so much for the invitation!"

Then he said, all playful and mock-drama, "you know what happens if you can't come?  - this!" And he bounced a beach ball off my face.

Insert instant mortification here.

In an instant, I feared my persona had changed to the Mom who didn't set boundaries, the Mom who lets her son be a jerk, the Mom who was going to raise criminals and probably defend their deviant actions to the judge. I don't know the other Mom's true reaction, but this is how it felt to me.

It only feels like petty excuse-making to inform you that One Philly Daughter had been clinging to me for hours, that I'd just come off  2 business trips in 2 weeks, that I'd put in nearly 20 hours of overtime in those 2 weeks, that One Philly Daddy and I were hustling like crazy to coordinate the next day's party, that time lately had felt like a mad-dash and it felt like we were still falling woefully short.

In essence, I had nothing more to offer in that moment than a weak, "Ok, then."

Sure, I've observed the odd parent who would explode, "how dare you!" and grab him by the arm, and drag him out to the car, bellowing all the way about respect and behavior and "never coming back here again!". And sometimes I feel like that's the expectation that is expected. In my opinion though, that reaction is more about releasing the emotional pressure valve.

The parenting philosophies that resonate with me involve treating even our bratty kids with respect, because that's how I believe we teach them to act respectfully. I believe in walking through the emotional turmoil with them, as a guide and mentor. So if my kids are feeling upset, emotional, distraught I'm going to dive in and try to find out why, and let them determine a way to get out, feel through it. Because I'm not in the business of either telling them their emotions are wrong, or fixing them for them. Which also means I'm not in the business of demanding a certain set of feelings or behaviors from them. I want to teach respect and thoughtfulness and mindfulness and emotional intelligence by modeling it and teaching it. Not by demanding a series of behaviors without the context of explanation or meaning or understanding.

I've heard this type of parenting denigrated as being wishy-washy. Or indulgent. Or not demanding enough respect. But sometimes what parents are looking for is blind obedience, with any other reaction being treated as insolence and contempt.

Here's the thing: I put no value in blind obedience.

In the years I was a child, there was a lot of the "Honor thy father and mother" mentality. There was a strong "don't embarrass me" element, and the ever popular "children are to be seen and not heard", "if you're going to cry, I'll give you something to cry about", and "because I'm the parent" themes.

And those themes worked, to an extent. I knew to keep quiet, and to keep my thoughts and emotions to myself. It was easy to know when I'd done something wrong, but not always what I'd done wrong, why it was wrong, or how to do it better next time.

Here's what I wish I had more practice at as an "obedient child" : How to think for myself. How to trust myself. How to gauge appropriate and inappropriate behavior in others, and how to select friends based on that information. How to set boundaries for myself. How to stand up for myself. How to communicate my needs. How to handle conflict. How to stomach uncomfortable emotions.

Here's what I had loads of practice at as an "obedient child" : How to anticipate disapproval of my actions and how to adjust myself accordingly. How to be quiet. How to put on a smile when I wanted to cry. How to answer in the "right" way.  How to not rock the boat.

So, I certainly don't want my kids to think throwing things at people's faces is EVER acceptable, but I'd like them to learn MORE than that. Like to be able to hear that they've hurt someone's feelings or embarrassed them, and know how to take responsibility, apologize, make it right, and get right back to an open and loving relationship.

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