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I’m trying to decide what I’m teaching my kids by accident.

Yes, the words that come out of my mouth are full of love, and value and support. But what does the rest of me say? One Philly Son suffers those extreme mood swings I mentioned last week. And when I expressed concern in the form of “where he would get these crazy notions” to a dear friend, she honestly and distinctly told me that my words might not be saying those crazy notions, but I might still be teaching him these things.

Eeep.

I’m listening to The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting by Brené Brown. (Whom I totally love. I am going to learn so stinking much from this woman.) She speaks of the difference between guilt and shame, of what we inadvertently teach our children about their self-worth. By how we treat ourselves.

Oh shit.

She states that what we ARE teaches, and that we can’t give our children what we don’t have ourselves.

Shit, shit, shit.

Her work is researching shame, compassion, courage, resilience, and many of those other amazing intangibles we desperately want to instill in our children, and I find I can only listen / read a little bit, and then not revisit her books for a few weeks. I think I’m just slowly integrating these ideas.

So. What we are teaches our kids what they are. And, our actions are more important than our words. The example she gives in the book goes something like this: Imagine your child makes a mistake. You say all the appropriate things – “Its ok, mistakes happen, I love you, we can fix this together, I made this mistake once too!” And your child hears all these messages of worthiness. But later that day, your child sees you make a mistake and you call yourself and idiot and your face shows an expression of anger and frustration and shame. And your child sees you not loving yourself, encouraging yourself, supporting yourself.

Shit.

This event is more powerful and impactful on your child’s conclusions about self-worth and value and worthiness than your words.

Effffffff………

Wait! I get it!

I mean……… That’s a cool idea! I’m so glad I learned this! I certainly had no intention of inadvertently teaching my children conflicting ideas about worthiness. My ever-present exploration of the art and science of boundary setting and self-care is ready to take another step! My intentions have been nothing but good, and my heart is in the right place, and I love my children. I’ve come by this mistake honestly, and now I can make efforts to improve. Awesome! I’m so proud of my effort and willingness to learn.

So. My kids are my best teachers. If you’ve read before, you know there are a few feelings swirling in me that I might rather my kids NOT learn. And my words alone are not armor enough against the Trojan Horse of my own emotional undermining of worthiness, love and value.

You see? To teach my children, first I must learn. For my children to believe, first they must see. So, to protect my children, instill in them a sense of worthiness, a sense of resilience, and sense of self and the ability to connect to others in this world, first I need to do those things myself.

See? We’re all learning here.