Life...out of control

First, let me say, thank you to all my readers out there.

Second, let me say, sorry I haven't been around in a few days.

The past few days have been a good excercise in accepting that life is not in my control. Gasp!

Work has been busy, and crazy, but that's just the way it is right now, so no need to go into details on that one.

Thursday I had a meeting in Malvern and started to feel not-so-great on the way home. By Thursday evening I was running a fever and woke up sweating a few times during the night. By Friday One Philly Daddy and I were sure we had a stomach flu and spent most of the day dashing to the bathroom. I was happy to be working from home that day, as I was still certainly able to work, but would not have been able to make it TO work. (My fellow SEPTA commuters would not have appreciated me on the train that day.)

Saturday, we were still not feeling well, but managed to get ourselves out of bed long enough to break up the soil in our yard and get some much needed grass seed planted in the yard. Afterwards, we returned to bed, and continued our rest.

Sunday, we woke up feeling better and decided to be ambitious. One Philly Daddy went to lift in our basement, and I had big plans to clean the house. Since we were sick, I wanted to change sheets, do laundry, clean the bathroom, disinfect door knobs.

Less than 10 minutes into our big plans, I was cleaning in the kitchen, and one of our metal backsplash tiles fell and cut my finger. I've never had stitches before, but it was obvious to me that this cut would require them. So One Philly Daddy rushed into action, called his parent's to babysit and drove me to the hospital.

Where of course we sat on and off alone for 4 hours before I got stitched up. Of course the staff at the hospital were helpful and took good care of me. But a bloody finger probably doesn't warrant much attention in the Emergency Room.

Part of me wanted (and to be honest, still wants to) to be super upset that things didn't work out the way I planned. Part of me wanted to rush home from the hospital and do everything I'd wanted to do, to prove that nothing would stop me.

But I've learned enough to know that it really wouldn't make me feel any better, and in fact would negatively impact my ability to heal and handle life as it came.

So, One Philly Daddy went to the grocery store since we were totally out of baby food. He also did a load of my laundry. And fed the baby.

I rested, took my super strength Ibuprofen and rested.

Which I didn't love, but I've realized something. The difference between the people I know who are happy and the people who are miserable is NOT the amount of money, size of the house, helpfulness of their husband, how far up they are at work, how helpful their mother is, how fun their friends are.

Certainly, a lot of those things can increase or decrease one's happiness. But mostly its the person's attitude. I know people with a lot less than I have, who are happier, more generous, more peace-ful (as in full of peace) than I am. So its not the stuff, its not the title, its not the money. Its how you/I think about it.

So instead of being upset or feeling inadequate because I haven't changed the sheets, I decided to be grateful that my healthy is still pretty much intact, that I have the help I need to take care of myself and make sure my hand heals, that I have the kind of job that gives me decent healthcare, and that I can still work, even after I've hurt myself.

And so far, it seems to have worked!

My finger is ok, didn't throb nearly as much as I thought it might, and I worked all day without it bothering me too much.

Life may be way out of my control, but I'm not!

Taking care of all of "me's"

Today I will be enjoying a mix of experiences. I'll get to be the worker, mommy, friend, and wife today. Which of course I am everyday, but somedays some of those "me's" don't get a lot of attention.

This morning I worked from home, which is working out to be such a blessing. I can spend time with my son, who is luckily a very easy child. I can focus on work. And since I don't have to commute, I get an extra 2 hours in my day. Which means this morning I managed to squeeze in 15 whole minutes of yoga before my son woke up. Still, that's 15 minutes I wouldn't have otherwise had!

And this afternoon friends of ours plan to visit, and we will get to meet their son for the first time. And playdates are always exciting.

This evening One Philly Daddy and I are taking a cooking class at a local cooking studio/catering company, Studio M. We always enjoy doing something a little out of the ordinary together, especially if it means we might learn something (like cooking) that we can share again in the future as well. Tonight's class is Tex-Mex, which inevitably reminds us of our favoritest (yes, I know that's not a real word) vacations in Mexico. As I said a few trips ago "Mexico is good for my soul." So anything that reminds us of that ease and relaxation is a good thing!

The power of positive thinking

I've been thinking a lot about my thoughts and feelings and how they influence my impression of my world.
Its a fascinating experiment, I always wonder which person I really am. Am I the person I am when I focus on the positive and make an effort to be grateful? Or am I the person I am when I am cranky, tired, with the weight of the world on my shoulders?

I can feel like I have to do it all, not wanting to ask for help or inconvenience anyone around me. I can quite convincingly convince myself that I'm a terrible mother, awful wife, worse housekeeper, that I can't keep up like "everyone" else can. My house is dirtier, my romance is more tired, my clothes are uglier, I'm not as in shape, as good looking or as smart as I should be.

But here's a fascinating experiment. Try it.

When some of those "I'm so ugly, stupid, fat and dumb" thoughts enter your mind, be aware and then try to cut them short. And then - this is hard, hard, hard in the beginning (at least it was for me) - put something positive in its place. And I mean a REAL POSITIVE.

Not one of those lousy, "at least I'm not as bad as..." or "it could be worse" "positives". Cause those aren't really positives. Those are just another way for you to tell yourself how awful you are while trying to sound nice. Like a compliment that cleverly hides an insult, that kind of positve doesn't really support you at all.

Think for as long as it takes for you to find something that really makes you smile. In your soul.

Try to think of a time you felt really good. And not just smart "enough", or thin "enough", or liked "enough". I mean, really, really good. A time when you looked around and thought "Damn! I got this!" A time when your life felt like it was going in the right direction. A time when you felt on top of your game, a time when you felt like anything you wanted to do, you could. Think about how you imagined your life and how great and happy you would be. Feel how good you felt then.

You're still the same person, take that feeling with you.

The flip side of that is thinking about when life wasn't so good. When you were broke, sad, alone and feeling like nothing, nothing, nothing ever went your way. At that time, what did you want? What did you think would make it "all better?"

Do you remember a time when $1,000 was an unfathomable amount of money? Do you remember a time when you thought, if only you had a job, everything would be ok? Do you remember a time when you thought, if only I had someone to talk too, everything would be ok? Do you remember a time when you thought, if only I had my own place, everything would be ok?

There's a long list of "if only's" that can keep us from ever reaching happy.

When I play that particular game, I find myself realizing that I've more than met many of my goals, more than achieved my dreams. Not all of them, of course, I'm not suggesting I'm done at the ripe old age of 32. But I've accomplished much in my life.

I've crossed so much off my "list" - college education, decent job, good husband, healthy baby, savings account, new (to me) car, nice house, good friends. But the goal can feel like it keeps getting moved away.

Everytime I get close to the finish line, I move it back. I'll be happy when.... I'll consider myself "done" when.... I'll stop worrying when.... I'll be confident when.....

And spending more energy focusing on the positive starts to take away those "when I...." statements. I remind myself that laundry and dishes do not equal happiness. I remind myself that there is only now. If I am going to wait until everything is crossed off my "to-do" list, I am missing the point, aren't I?

I only get one life. And the life I got ain't bad.

(Sorry Mrs. Winter - best English teacher I ever had)

So I'm continuing to focus on the positives, remind myself of where I come from and how far I've come. Remind myself of the positives. Celebrate what I've finished.

There are loads and loads of books to lead the way down this path, a quick search on Amazon brings up titles like The Power of Positive Thinking, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living and even an MP3 download Creating Postive Thoughts and a DVD Thoughts Become Things. 

And of course, that's just the beginning, there's loads more if you are interested. I've read many books to learn how to be happy and start living. But I've learned, I just have to do it. I've read enough to know what I need to do. Think positive. Focus on the good. Celebrate what you've done. And now, its about practice. Like most things, no one gets to be really great at something without loads and loads of practice. Even those with a natural aptitude for something have to practice to become great.

So that's what I'm going to do. Practice and practice and practice.

And eventually, I'll be really good at it....

Deciding to covet kindness instead of cars

I work for a large non-profit, and as part of my job, I come in contact with some very wealthy individuals.

And sometimes, I try comparing our lives.

Which is silly, of course, because our lives are so different. My house is not as large as theirs. My car is not as expensive. My diamonds are not as (sometimes) obnoxiously large. I do not take classes at the local community college to fill my days. I do not have "my driver" take me 3 Philadelphia city blocks. I do not winter in the south or the west. My picture does not appear on the social scene page of the news paper.

It is tempting to conclude that my life is not as "good" or "successful" or "easy" as theirs because of all they have that I do not.

But I've realized that there are some superbly wealthy people who are unhappy and stressed out and miserable, just as there are some miserable "poor" people. But there are also kind, generous, compassionate
people in both the "rich" and the "poor" category as well.

I'm much more impressed by a person who possesses kindness, and genuine character, than a person who possesses diamonds and cars and houses.

So instead of counting cars and diamonds and homes, I'm going to admire people with character traits I'd like to emulate.

House drama, continued

So, last night we officially withdrew our offer on the house and today...

the (seller) ex-husband....

....suddenly....

.....decided to accept our offer.

We sort of expected this to happen, so we weren't terribly surprised. But we were disappointed and frustrated. If a week ago he'd accepted the offer, I'd be talking about our first showing right now.
Of course, his accepting the offer now only reinforced our sense that #1 we were being strung along #2 it IS a fair offer #3 we were stuck inside something much bigger than just the house #4 the rest of the process was not going to be easy.

So, we're sticking with our decision to walk away.

We know the house needs some work, and we were willing and even (surprisingly) looking forward to it. We were going to make this house our home. We were going to shape it and craft it into what we wanted, much more so than we have in our current house. (We happen to love the house we're in now the way it is. So we've painted one room. Otherwise, its pretty much unchanged since we bought it.) We could see our kids growing up there, having camp outs in the big back yard, eating dinners on the enclosed porch.

Unfortunately, the seller(s) completely alienated us by their indecisiveness and constant delays. We were always being asked for "just a few more days" and then being told the ex-husband wouldn't budge and then being asked (once again) for "just a few more days".

I suspected that their refusal to budge was a ploy to try to get us to move up our offer. And the ex-husband, at least, must've thought eventually we'd accept his offer. He might've even thought that we were "calling his bluff" when we withdrew our offer. And I'm betting he's stunned that we're not gobbling it up now that he's (oh, so graciously) accepted our offer.

But, (and I love, love, love that my husband and I are on the same page in this sense) it was never just about the money for us. We offered what we thought was fair. We were honest in what we were willing to pay and we were more than patient in waiting for their decision. We were not playing games, we were not trying to force their hand in anyway.

We just offered what we could do. And once we'd had enough, we'd had enough. Now, we'd pay even less for the house. Our time and our energy is worth something too, and they've used up the time and energy we were willing to spend on this house.

And we feel really good about our decision.

Withdrawing home offer

We decided today to withdraw our offer on the house.

The seller is still trying to convince her ex-husband to accept the offer, and he's not budging.
13 days after our original offer, 9 days after our final offer, we've had enough.

Enough things in life have worked out well for us to know when something's not working.
And this is not working.

I will miss the closet space, but closets aren't worth forcing something that's not right.

So we won't get the house.

I'll keep living in my shoe box house (and loving it).

We'll be able to go the shore. We'll join a swim club for the summer. We'll keep saving for our forever house. We'll make this house more and more our home.

And sometime in the future, someone will list our "perfect" forever house. And they'll accept our offer.

The reward of focusing on the positive

I can to be very hard on myself, focusing much more attention on the mistakes, missteps, and screw-ups than on the positives. (In fact, I sometimes don't even realize the positives.) In my head I can never get enough done, be nice enough to my husband, work hard enough, excercise enough, save enough, well you get the idea....

The hope being, of course, that if I just do everything right nothing bad will happen. (Yes, I am fully aware that this concept is nonsense.)

This is something I work on improving because, even though its my knee jerk reaction to life and myself, #1 I know its not true (no one is as bad as I tell myself I am sometimes), #2 it is certainly not productive or fun. Who wants to be or be around someone that down on themselves? #3 I know that is a barrier to my ultimate goal in life: a happy, healthy family #4 In an ironic twist, it keeps me from enjoying the happy, healthy family I already have.

So I'm making a renewed attempt to focus on the positive, to see what we've accomplished instead of what we've missed, to celebrate my victories (no matter how small) instead of only seeing my missteps.

This is of course, easier said than done, but I have to report, it works amazingly well. I don't know that anyone around me can tell, but today I tried really, really hard to celebrate what I did right instead of what I did wrong.

Here are some examples:
My husband was near my office in the city for work today and we met for an early lunch. We got sandwiches and sat in Rittenhouse Square. We talked, and held hands, and took a walk. Instead of focusing on and worrying about the work I had to get done or fretting that I shouldn't take a lunch, I enjoyed the surprise hour in the middle of the day I got to spend with my husband.

When I got home from work, my husband had dinner started and the baby fed. (Yes, there are days I would have a hard time seeing the good in this situation. Sad, isn't it?) Instead of feeling overwhelmed by the spices spilled on the stove, the pile of dishes in the sink or the lack of vegetables in the meal, I rejoiced that dinner was half done, smiled at my smiling son, and made some vegetables to add to dinner (which One Philly Daddy thought was a great idea).

After dinner I sat on the floor with my son and we played with his blocks (which he loves). There are times I would be focusing on the clock, thinking about all the work I had yet to do, seeing the dust on the floor, the dog hair under the couch, and letting myself feel overwhelmed. Yes, I might be on the floor playing with my son, but in my head it would be just another "to-do" on my never ending list of things that have to be done. Instead, I realized my son was banging two blocks together and clapping his hands, something that a month ago, he couldn't do.

I'm not saying I've got this "being positive" thing down, or that I won't feel overwhelmed again, but today, for a few hours, I had some peace in my mind. There is real reward in being positive, and I hope I find it again tomorrow!

Real Simple - This month's Life Lesson

I am reading the new Real Simple and this month's Life Lesson is "10 ways to be closer to your Siblings"

My favorite are:

#6. B Gr8 Txt Friends
Since my brother is 10 years younger than I am, much of his communication was limited to "fine", "ok", and "hmmm" over the years. I've discovered we can have entire, lengthy, in depth conversations typed out in text messages. And so long as we're talking and I know what's going on with him, who cares that it's over text?

#3 Stop being the Family mole
Essentially - stop talking about each other with each other. My siblings and I that have committed to being honest with each other and saying TO each other what we used to say to the rest of the family have fabulous, honest relationships. Enough said on that one!

#2 Make a Cameo Appearance
Instead of just showing up for the stuff you have to show up for, show up for somehing really important to someone - the random work event or small family function (not weddings and funerals).

Siblings are those who know you best, and understand without words what you are talking about. They are the ones who came from where you are from. Love 'em or hate 'em, no one knows you like a sibling.

How long will I wait for acceptance of offer on house?

And a Happy Friday to you!

So One Philly Daddy and I have big plans tonight. We're headed to a Blue October concert (Approaching Normal, Foiled, Consent to Treatment for cd's) at TLA on South Street.

Even cooler, I found out totally by accident one of my favorite people in the world will be there as well. So its bound to be a very fun grown up night out.

And tomorrow, we'll be back in the city for a friend's birthday party.

Yesterday I traveled for a work meeting and didn't get home until 9:30 last night, well after my bed time. The night before that, we sat around drinking wine and talking with good friends until midnight.

So, I don't want to sound ungrateful for my full and happy social calendar, but I hope nothing happens on Sunday.

I am having a great time, and love getting out in the weather. But there's laundry, dishes and, oh yeah sleeping to catch up on.

And we're still waiting for the official acceptance of the offer we put in on the house. Who knows what's really going on, but word is that the husband wants more money, so the wife has to convince him or negotiate with him in someway so that the offer is accepted.

Which means we're probably not getting our house listed before the $8,000 tax credit expires on April 30. We're not eligible, but we thought it might be a nice incentive for whoever might buy our house.

Even after our offer is accepted, we have to go through the process of negotiating any necessary repairs with the seller.

So this could be a lengthy process.

In the end, I am fully confident that it will all work out, as it usually does. It appears our closings won't be happening mid-May which is great because I have a few large events at work at that time. So now my debate is whether or not to join a swim club and when to go "down the Shore."

So long as nothing happens on Sunday, I might have time to make a decision...Have a great and safe weekend!

My little boy is growing up...

How fast a year goes in the life of a baby! And how quickly things do change!

Right now One Philly Daddy and I are sitting in bed watching One Philly Son fight off sleep with our baby monitor. One Philly Son is crying, shaking his head "no", and reaching out to pet his Fisher-Price Soothe & Glow Seahorse (which we love so much we have 2 of them...). The shaking his head "no" is new, the refusing to fall asleep because he's realizing that One Philly Mommy and One Philly Daddy are gone is new. So much is changing that he is, yet again, becoming a new boy.

I can't help but think about how much he has changed. He's got two teeth peaking out, he sits up on his own, gets frustrated if he can't reach what he wants and looks more and more like a little boy and less and less like a baby. He looks like his brain is starting to grasp the concept of crawling and its only a matter of time until his legs and arms catch up.

I remember when he couldn't hold up his head, reach out for his own pacifier. When he didn't eat cereal or fruit. When he couldn't look at me and recognize me.

Now, he's a whopping 7 months old, and is starting to be "over" nursing. He frequently refuses to nurse now, preferring a bottle so he can look around, stare at the dogs, watch Daddy.

I'm so excited for all the next stages. The first step. First word. First time at the beach. First birthday cake. I'll miss everything that he outgrows, but until he does, I'm gonna soak up every amazing little thing he does. Even when that's crying himself to sleep....

House Update

So we're still waiting for news on the house...unfortunately, the house is the "final step" in a divorce, which means our last, final, won't go any higher offer is now being debated by not only us, our realtor, the seller, her realtor, but also a pair of divorce lawyers.

I know from experience that divorce can be ugly, painful, and can make people do things they never imagined they could do. (To be fair, my experience was as a child during my parent's divorce, so I probably don't have a full understanding of either their relationship, nor the intricacies of their divorce.)

And the last thing I want to do is create more stress and pressure on a situation that might already be pretty stressed. (To be fair, there are those divorces out there that aren't painful and awful.)

I'm reading Dr. Phil's "Family First" and he makes the point, that if you do divorce, it should be done when you can make the decision without emotion, with the knowledge that you have done everything possible to save the marriage. That the decision should be made with a resigned sense of inevitability. I have some doubts  as to how possible that it, but it sounds like a noble goal. So maybe this house isn't a hot bed of chaos and contempt between two people who used to love each other.....

Have you noticed a tendency to think too much about things?

So I'm still in house limbo, and with every tiny swing one way or the other, I swing too. So when it appears there is "no chance" that we'll get the house, I feel myself settle into our cozy (that means "small" in real estate speak) house that I love. I can see my son growing here. I am relieved that we'll be able to keep saving as much as we have and make plans for weekend trips over the summer. And when there's a glimmer of possibility that we "might" get the house, I find myself arranging the furniture in my mind, picking out paint colors and hosting a big picnic in the yard.

I suppose this means I am willing to make the best of either conclusion, and would be happy either way. Which I honestly believe is true. I want only what is best for my family, and trust that that is what will happen. But I sure do waste a lot of energy trying to figure out what that is!

I can't imagine anything will develop this evening, so I'm going to settle into bed with my latest Parents (2-year) magazine and try to enjoy the life I've got, instead of missing it by focusing on what may or may not happen.

Stay tuned!

Thinking about selling your home and buying a new one?

So, we officially put in our offer last night, and are waiting to hear back.

Putting an offer in on a house is stressful stuff, and its hard to know if the stress is all worth it.

For instance, I learned last night that closing on both houses (the one you are selling/moving out of and the one you are buying/moving into) on the same day is super-duper common practice. Huh? Ok, so essentially you'd have to be approved for both mortgages at the same time, carrying both payments, in order to close even a week later.

So much for my well-thought out, take-a-week-to-move-and-paint idea.

Essentially this "closing on both houses on the same day" idea means that you hire movers (my friends are great movers but there's always beer and pizza invovled and "quick" is not always the name of the game) come to the house you are selling, and pack all of your belongings into their truck.

You go to closing, sign all the paperwork and officially, legally sell your "old" house.

Then you go to your second closing of the day and officially, legally buy your "new" house.

Then you drive to your new house, where hopefully the dudes in the truck have all your belongings and lug them all inside.

Which sounds like a nightmare. Oh wait, I have 2 dogs,  a cat, and a 7 month old. It IS a nightmare : )

Additionally, the idea of showing our current home to sell it is a little tricky now. Cause, you know, I work from home 3 days a week. With a baby, 2 dogs and a cat. Um, yeah, that sounds like fun!

So, there's a distinct possibility the next few months will be a little chaotic, but the up side is we'd end up with a forever house at a decent price, hopefully with a low interest rate...and there are still 30 days in this $8,000 tax credit for new home buyers, which hopefully would entice a buyer for our house.

We'll see what happens!

The Pursuit of Happyness

I had a rough afternoon today.

Had a lot of work to do. Baby was crying and fussy (which he so rarely is, it is really confusing when he is). And dogs were, well, annoying.

To top it all of One Philly Daddy and I are making an offer on what could be our forever house. Its before we planned, we're "just" ready, and lots of things would have to fall perfectly into place for it to work out. Oh yeah, and the economy still isn't great.

So one minute I think this is a smart thing, that the timing works out well, that this new house will give us flexibility for the next steps of our lives. (We love, love, love our current house, but no closets and a 9x10 nursery won't last us long...) And the next I'm thinking we're not sure of so many things, why would we do this now?

So even considering all of this is stressful, not to mention the actual real stress of buying and selling, packing and moving. All while working (from home) and living and dealing with annoying dogs. (Poor pups are getting blamed for everything today!)

So this afternoon I was feeling unsure.

And like a vision I remembered I felt exactly the same way when we bought the house we are in now. Excited. Scared. Alternately hoping it works out and hoping it doesn't. Wishing it were 6 days/weeks/months in the future and I knew how this BIG decision would all work out. Praying that it does work out.

And then I thought about The Pursuit of Happyness (Widescreen Edition), a movie I've wanted to watch forever and finally watched this weekend. Will Smith stars in this movie about the real life of Chris Gardner, a struggling salesman and single father who accepts an unpaid internship at Dean Witter, with the belief that it would "work out".  I was touched by the sense that Chris Gardner (Will Smith's character) was consumed by a sense of helplessness but also faith. I won't ruin it for you, but he confronts situations much worse than what I am dealing with. His and his son's basic necessities are threatened daily in very real ways. I found myself holding my son very close, with tears in my eyes at parts of that movie.

To imagine the anguish and pain he must've felt when he was unable to provide the world to his son nearly broke my heart. I love my son more than anything in this or any world, and much of my stress is now a direct result of wanting to do what is "right" for him. If Chris Gardner could manage all he dealt with, surely I can deal with my life.

So now I'm comforting myself with these thoughts:
- Nothing great is achieved without risk.
- My previous life decisions have worked out ok, odds are this one will too.
- No one has a crystal ball, no one knows what is around the next corner. That was true before we found this house, I'm just more aware of it now.

So stay tuned, I'm bound to have some good stories either way!

Working out with EA Active Sports

So I got up and worked out with my EA Active Sports this morning. Argh. Ok, so you know what I said about all that sleeping better and being more energetic? Well, it doesn't happen the first day. The first day, you (ok, I) are cranky and miserable and wish you were back in bed. But once you are awake and in sneakers you decide, what the hell, might as well suffer through it, right?

As I was working out, a few of my favorite and not-so-favorite things came back to me.

My favorite and not-so-favorite things:
#1 Its an actual workout. You use both the controller and nunchuck, so somehow, through the magic of technology, the stupid game can actually tell when I am trying to "rest" (or cheat, if we're being honest). So the squats, are actually squats. And if you don't hold them long enough, they don't count and you have to repeat until you get the form right. Honest to god (or whomever works for you), this is more of a workout than I got at the gym. Which means this is a favorite thing because I'm not wasting my time. Its a not-so-favorite thing because, well, my legs hurt.

#2 You choose a trainer who walks you through each workout and the first time you do each workout, you are offered a tutorial video. Which is great, because some of the workouts have pretty specific hand positions for the game to register. For example, when doing bent arm rows, you have to point the controller and nunchuck directly at the ground, or the end of that rep won't count. Again - a favorite thing because it means I'm not cheating myself out of a good workout. It is a not-so-favorite thing because, sometimes it can get really frustrating. Like when I'm "playing" tennis or volleyball or doing basketball shooting/passing drills and I angle my hand the wrong way and whatever I've done doesn't count. Argh. Which leads me to...#3.

#3 Your chosen trainer will give you uplifting encouragement, but also some constructive critisim as it deems necessary. So sometimes my trainer, who I've nicknamed "Steve" (because I think he sounds like Steve from Tough Love ( did you know he wrote a book? Crash Course in Love), will say things like "Keep this up and you'll be training me" or "You earned every drop of sweat on that workout". BUT he'll also say things like "you really need to pick it up" or "I know its difficult, but you really need to work on your form for next time". Which usually results in some very aerobic swearing.

#4 Along with the workouts (if you sign up for the 30 day challenge) there is also a Journal portion, in which you will be asked about your diet, sleep, water consumption, stress level and energy level (along with some other stuff). This is one of my favorite things because it increases my awareness of what healthy really means. Its a not-so-favorite thing because it reminds me that not having one glass of water in a whole day is probably not a good thing, and that one slice of tomato on a sandwich doesn't mean I've eaten my vegetables. (It specifically asks how many "fist sized portions" of vegetables you've eaten. Ouch.) So, basically, it makes it very clear that I'm  not as healthy as I think I am. Which stings, but is ultimately good to know.

#5 Trophies. I never would've guessed it, but this works for me! So, as you accomplish certain things (burning 100 calories, finishing a journal entry, making 100 jumps doing inline skating), you earn trophies. And as you finish one 30 day challenge, and begin another, it keeps track of the trophies you've earned and keeps adding to them. So its a favorite thing because, I guess I like trophies. Its a not-so-favorite thing because I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I'm actually excited to earn a tiny picture of a tiny trophy labeled "Inferno" because I burned 100 calories. Sigh. 

#6 If you sign up for the 30 day challenge, it tells you what days to work out and what days to not work out.  Its my favorite thing because, if you work out 3 days in a row (it is only recommended to work out 2 days in a row on this system), it actually recommends that you take a rest day. Love it! Its a not favorite thing because, sometimes I need to rest on a workout day and workout on a rest day. Which just leaves me out of sync with the system.

So there's my "first"workout in a nutshell. I hated it, I loved it, I hope I get up and do it again tomorrow.

Committed to EA Sports Active

So I see its been awhile since I wrote. Which has me thinking about commitment and dedication.

Why is it so easy to let life fill up our plates with things that don't make us happy, and easy to let go of those things that do make us happy.

A great example for me is working out. Ok, I don't "like" to work out, but when I do I know that I sleep better, am more alert and awake, focus better and am in a better mood.

And yet, when I am tired or busy or life just gets in the way, working out is the first thing to go.

Of course I know the reasons for working out: staying healthy and not having to take a handful of pills everyday, not "outgrowing" my wardrobe and having a purchase a new one, and then the above mentioned sleeping and thinking better.

And yet, its the first to go when life gets complicated.

So I'm re-committing to working out and blogging.

We have EA Sports Active for Wii, which I love, so I'm signing up for another 30 day challenge. I can pick the length and intensity of the workout I want, and the system automatically picks a series of excercises for me. On days I'm pressed for time, I can opt out of some of the excercises, though of course the goal is to not do that!

The workouts are a mix of cardio and resistance training, using the included leg band and resistance band. I gotta say, it was a great help in getting (almost) back into shape after having my son, and now that swimsuit season is (again, almost) upon us, I guess I should finish that "getting back into shape" stuff!

Maybe my committment to working out will increase my committment to blogging too!

"Reinventing Ourselves After Motherhood"

Ok, so I'm a reader. If I am trying something new or hoping to get better at something, I read about it. Some people are great "do-ers" - they can just go and do something and figure it out as they go. I, however, am one of those people who feels like I need to know the "how's" and "why's" before I'll try.

I've read books on personal finance, professional confidence, communication, dressing better, gardening, organizing, and yes, pregnancy and motherhood. I read books on pregnancy and motherhood before we officially started "trying", so its no surprise that I am currently reading 3 books, that all have something to do with motherhood.

Right now I am reading: "Reinventing Ourselves After Motherhood: How Former Career Women Refocus Their Personal and Professional Lives After the Birth of a Child", "Mother Shock: Loving Every (Other) Minute of It" and Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family by Dr Phil.

And let me also state, that I do deliberatly sometimes read books that I expect to disagree with, if only for the sake of having an open mind and knowing what the "other side" is thinking and doing. I really think understanding your "opposition" can really help understand yourself. So now that that little disclaimer is done, on to the real topic.

I just sat and read some of Reinventing Ourselves After Motherhood: How Former Career Women Refocus Their Personal and Professional Lives, and I have to say, my eyes have been opened a bit.

I got this book as one of those "let's see how the other side lives" experiments and realized (as often happens) that I am, in fact "on the other side."

The author writes about her experience of being a high-powered, successful, driven career woman, who finds herself at home with her children. I expected the book to be a story about high-powered women who were driven by shallow signs of success and money who suddenly realize that there is more to life than a corner office and money, and leave it all behind for the blissful life of motherhood.

But she writes about the experiences of women who've retired, changed, or scaled back their careers for their families.

I'm not finished reading the book (ok, I'm only on page 40) but I've already been forced to face a hard-cold fact. I'm one of those women. (That may not be a surprise to you, but sometimes the truth you are living is the hardest to see)

Within the past week I had my mid-year review at work and one of the questions was "What is your ideal ultimate position here?"

Now I work for a non-profit in a pseudo-Adminstrative position, but I've worked my tail off and been given projects (sometimes) well beyond my official title. I enjoy my work and the sense of satisfaction and pride I get from doing a good job, and making it look easy for those in the spotlight (even in high school plays, I was the one moving props, not acting on center stage). I've always planned to move up, keep taking on more and more responsibility and increasing my professional life.

But when asked this question about my "ideal ultimate" job, I had to say that, for now at least, I was where I wanted to be. My current position allows me to work from home, continue to financially contribute to my family, and not be forced to "start over" when I return to the work force.

But I can't think a minute past any of that. Ideal ultimate position? Um, can we wait until the kids are in school at least? Just getting myself dressed, fed, to work/daycare, back again, bathed, and to sleep, with some work (professional and "house") thrown in there is about all I can muster.

I can't think about what the next career move would be, let alone start to actually make that move.

So here I am, a professional woman who is refocusing my professional and personal life after the birth of my child. Go figure!

The book was published in 1999, but I am finding the struggles and conflicts these women experience are timeless. If you're trying to figure out a professional/personal balance, check out Reinventing Ourselves After Motherhood: How Former Career Women Refocus Their Personal and Professional Lives after the Birth of a Child - it might at least make you realize you aren't alone!

I'm sure I'll write more as I get through more of the book, stay tuned!

Friendship

Today was a great day -I spent some time cleaning up the house since I didn't do anything this weekend, and a good friend came over for dinner.

As usually happens when good friends get together, we talked for hours and jumped from topics of work to relationships to our youth to people we knew.

Since life is getting fuller and fuller, it becomes harder to make time to see all my friends as often as I would like, but it is so important.

After a good talk with a good friend, I feel like a better me, reminded of my best intentions, and supported through my touch choices. Good friends remind me of a times when I was young and everything seemed possible, of hard times I triumphed over and fill me with excitement for what is yet to be.

I wish all of you good times with good friends in the very near future!

Comparing myself to others

Or...Apples and Oranges...

I have friends who are smarter than me, and I am smarter than some people. I know people who have more money than me, I know people who have less money than me. I know people who make more money but save less money than me. I know people who make less money but save more money than me. I know people who are thinner and prettier than me. I know people who keep a cleaner house than I do. I know people who never clean. I know people who clean all the time. I know stay-at-home-Mom's and working Mom's.

I know people who let their kids eat what they want, when they want. I know people who strictly enforce fruits and vegetables. I know people who send their kids to private school, I know people who don't really care IF their kids go to school.

I know people who consider their spouse their best friend and lover. I know people who consider their spouse a means to an end - nicer house, kids, whatever.

The point is, I can get caught up in comparing myself to all these people at various stages and times.

As in "Wow, how did they afford that house? We could never afford that house." or "Why isn't he getting a job? I would get a job!" or "I can't believe her kids can/can't do that, I would/wouldn't let them do that" or "Why does he/she treat her/him like that? We would never do that to each other."

Sometimes it is jealousy. Sometimes it is prideful.

But when I really think about it I know that I don't really know what's going on in anyone else's life. Not really. And I don't know where people came from, or what is important to them. Some want a large house. Some want a small house and lots of vacations. (If I can figure out a way to get a large house, AND lots of vactions, AND save, AND not go into debt, I'll let you know...) Some want their kids to be rule-followers. Some want their kids to push the limits.

And I don't know what other's want, or where they came from or why they do what they do. So its probably unfair to compare myself in an attempt to assure myself I'm better than so-and-so or not as good as so-and-so.

I'm going to try to keep my goals in mind and be proud of what I do is important to me and my family. And let everyone else do what they will....

Childhood Milestones

Today, One Philly Son started cutting his first tooth!

Of course, he had some of the normal fussiness, but it caused me to experience something I've experienced repeatedly since he was born.

You know that saying "my life flashed before my eyes"?

Well, sometimes my son's life flashes before my eyes.

In the most amazing, wonderful, bittersweet flash, I can see his first step, first grade, first tee ball game, first dance, first love, first heartbreak.....

And I am humbled and honored to have the privelage to go along with him on his journey.

I consider myself his guide, his protector, his teacher, his safe place, and it is a job I take seriously, even though I plan to have lots of love, and laughter, and joy in our life as well.

When do I know when to make a change?

Today I am thinking about change, specifically, when to know its time to make a change.

Today was full of discussions about the future, the state of the "union" as it were, and when to know enough is enough.

So how do we know when enough is enough?

Inside 18 months of my life (in a galaxy far, far away) I experienced the end of an engagement AND getting fired. Fun year. (Side note, I lost a ton of weight, and was the skinniest I've ever been. Even though thin is ok, heartbroken and thin is not a good combination.)

Looking back, I KNOW that I played a part in those (now clearly) dysfunctional relationships (both the engagement and the job) and yet I stayed, long past the time when I was getting any "return" on my "investment."

So how do we know when enough is enough?

Many of my friends are now in situations where they feel their employer is changing the rules, making deals with the devil and hiding the truth. (I suppose, if  you watched the news, this would not be a surprise.) The sense that the "other shoe is about to drop" is pervasive across income levels, industries, experience and professions.

If I had a dollar for every person who told me they were just hanging on as long as they could, to keep collecting a paycheck for as long as they could, well let's just say I wouldn't worry about losing my job.

As a parent,the pressure is a little different. Can I save for college (or a jump-start to life fund)? Should I book a vacation? If I can't save for retirement for 5 years, 7 years (because, let's face it, if I lose my work-from-home-3-days-a-week job now, do I have any hope of finding something with the same salary AND the same schedule? super-uper-duper doubtful.), how far behind does that set my family? Never mind food, shelter, heat and clothing, those, oh so pesky essentials.

If I lose my job (salary) do I even have the right to attempt baby #2 (ok, clearly, I'm admitting here, I'd like to grow my family beyond baby #1)? Is it irresponsible to grow your family when you're not sure how to pay for the one you already have?

At what point does the stress of all these things stop being worth the pay-off?

In the current economy, I know (unfortunately, many) more than one person, desperately clinging to a job they don't love, that doesn't make them feel fulfilled or satisfied, or smart or capable, merely because it pays the bills.

And there were times when that was ok, because, if it really got that bad, you could always run out and find another job. Might take a few months, but you'd probably have the same, if not better, salary, and at least it'd be new poop (insert grown up version of "poop" if you must) instead of the same old poop.

But now, people don't even feel that sense of "at least I can do something about it". Which, of course, makes the crap that much harder to swallow.

Even the illusion of choice is far more empowering than the sense of dread that fills many of my co-workers, friends and family.

So, in this enviroment of dread and fear about the future (for the economy, the individual, and perhaps, the whole industry), how do we know when we've had enough, and we can walk away from a bad situation?
When does personal satisfaction outway responsibility and vice versa?

Well, sorry, this in One Philly Mommy, not Crystalball.com (not a real site, I don't think) or tell your future here.

I have no idea.

You have to decide when enough is enough.

But, I know from (repeated) personal experience, that people can do more than they ever imagined, if they only believe they have no other choice.

Is anything better than where you are now?

Mother's raise children on less than povery incomes, all while going to college so they can make a decent living and get off welfare. Wives walk out of abusive homes, literally with nothing more than the children they love. Father's work 18 hours a day, for 6 days a week, to support their family.

No, I'm not suggesting any of those scenarios to you, why would I? I like you!

I'm merely saying, only you know when the situation you are in is no longer tenable. Only you know what you can live with, and what you can't. Only you know that moment when you truly believe "anything would be better than this."

And if you can't live with it anymore, take comfort in this thought: you are not alone. Many before you have struggled through insurmountable struggle and came out the other side. You are not the first to think: "This is IMPOSSIBLE" and you will not be the first to grit your teeth, put  your head down and work through it anyway.

If you've had enough, go ahead, make the change.

I know you can do it. 

In the mind of a work-from-home Mom

I am blessed. Truly, honestly, blessed. At my wedding my sister and maid of honor said that I was getting my fairy tale ending, and she was totally right. But just because I’m living my fairy tale ending, doesn’t mean that there aren’t moments, or days when I feel more like Cinderella than the Princess. I wondered just what was going on in my mind when I look around the house and feel that dread of “I can’t manage all of this” so I conducted a steam of consciousness experiment and typed everything I thought for a few minutes.

Here it is:

I really need to sit down and focus on getting this task done, oh, the baby’s crying, better get the pacifier, ok, good, does he look sleepy? Wonder if he needs a nap soon? He slept well last night, but the dogs did wake him, hmmmm, the woke me, should I have coffee? No, I need to watch caffeine while nursing. Dang, the dogs want to go out, do they have to “go” or are they just whining to get outside so they can sit in the sun, not that I blame them, I’d love a few hours on the beach at Playa del Carmen, Mexico right now. So if I let them out, how long can I watch them (since one keeps getting out of the yard) before I REALLY have to get back to work. Ok, they’re not whining anymore, guess it was just the sunshine, damn now the dog’s chasing the cat, argh and the other one is still at the door, maybe that one has to “go”, what’s worse standing at the door or cleaning up dog poop on the floor? Crap! The dog got into the cat litter and I still need to clean that up in the basement, and there’s a load of laundry from One Philly Daddy that needs to be folded and a load of One Philly Son’s that needs to be moved to the dryer, better do that before I forget. Oh! And I hope I don’t forget to call the vet today. The towels probably need to be washed too, when’s the last time we had clean towels? Why is that dog still chasing the cat? Knock it off! Aww, One Philly Son’s pulling his socks off his feet, how darling! I just love my son! I really need to get some work done here, I really hope there aren’t lay offs at work, if there are lay offs, what will I do? Will I keep my job? Will I still want my job? How will we be able to keep saving AND buying all these diapers and boxes of rice cereal. Well, who knows if that will even happen? I shouldn’t waste that energy, I have enough to do! Ok, dogs are still scratching at the door, better let them out. Oh boy, our yard could use some work. But the sun sure is nice.Are they ever going to finish going? Ok, all done, back inside. Oh! And now One Philly Son needs a diaper change. Geez, tomorrow’s a daycare day, better pack his bottles and food before I forget. Wait, wasn’t I doing something? Oh, work! Right, work, better get to it!

So there ya have it, all the secret inner workings of a work-from-home Mom's mind. Fascinating stuff, right?

Happy St Patrick's day - eat, drink, and be merry, but be safe!

Sleep, interrupted

Oh, the challenges we had sleeping last night.

The cries for attention.

The whining to be cuddled.

Crying at 5 am to be fed.

Wanting to sleep in the bed with us.

All that was our PETS!

My 6 month old son, he can sleep through the night, but our 2 dogs and 1 cat can't - geez!

So I started the day a bit cranky, even though One Philly Daddy (who also slept poorly) happened to be in a great mood. Despite the lousy sleep, he drug himself out of bed to workout. So I followed suit, and I gotta say, I do feel better!

Isn't it amazing #1 how simple the healthy things are (sleep enough, don't eat too much, excercise...) and #2 how easy it is to let them fall aside when we're tired or busy or cranky.

I KNOW working out puts me in a better mood. Yet, when I'm in a bad mood, I don't want to work out. Sometimes its as simple as going through the motions (trust me, my heart was NOT in my workout this morning) is enough to get me back on track.

Well, here's hoping tonight we all sleep well. Even the pets!

Monday....check!

Monday - over! Up next - Tuesday!

This morning I had a crazy case of Super Mom - I woke up 10 minutes late after a lousy night's sleep and still managed to shower, dress, feed the baby (he didn't wake up in time to actually get dressed, so he spent the whole day in his jammies. oh to be young!), cat and dogs, set up the Crock-Pot for dinner, pack a lunch, and catch my train on time.

There is something about pushing that hard that is exhilarating. I have a real sense of pride in being able to get as much done as I do sometimes. Which, is of course, in direct conflict with my philosophies of "taking care of myself", "asking for help" and "maintaining a "work life balance." Sometimes I feel like I'm caught between two completely different urges and don't know which way to go...

There are lots of things like this in life that seem to be opposites pulling and pushing on us all at the same time. Usually life is too full, or too loud, to actually notice those opposing pushes and pulls that are always working on us.

This weekend I took a yoga class at Twisters with one of my favorite yoga teachers.

I like this teacher because her classes are not just a physical workout (admittedly, this is why lots of people are turned off to yoga, but I love it), but even a mental, and sometimes emotional, workout.

She picks a theme, a topic, something to talk about and focus on during our practice - this week it was the topic of growth and boundaries. Her example, the flowers in her yard, being re-born after a long winter underground. But more than that, it was pushing against that which holds us back - in this case, the stubborn pile of snow and ice, that would seem to block the growth of these tiny, tiny flowers. And yet, she observes these tiny flowers finding a way to grow sideways and around the ice and snow. The point being, of course, that if a tiny flower can persist enough, push enough, grow enough that it can find a way around the ice and snow, what could we do, if we just pushed a little harder?

I also watched Precious this weekend. I found Precious to be a powerful movie, at times difficult to watch. (Spoiler alert! Just in case you haven't seen it yet...) Precious is a young girl from Harlem, who was raped and impregnated (twice) by her father and abused and resented by her mother. Her mother goes so far as to accuse Precious of stealing her man away, and constantly belittles her intelligence and spirit. Clearly, Precious is behind the 8-ball in life, and it would be understandable, even predictable if she were to grow up and further the cycle of abuse.

And yet...with just a glimmer of faith from total strangers, she learns to read, to stand up for herself, to care for and love her children.

So I'm thinking a lot about learning to grow out of and around our own piles of snow and ice, about learning how to see the pure value in yourself when even those who are meant to protect you and love you above all else can't, or won't.

I'm thinking about the strength it takes to absorb all that pushing and pulling and still go in the direction YOU want to go in, not the direction of the pushing or the pulling.

Is it fair that some of us are born with giant piles of snow and ice over our heads? Of course not. Is it right that we have to learn to grow sideways just to find the sun? Of course not.

But how wonderful does it feel when someone brushes aside that pile of snow and ice to show you the sun, or reaches out to say "I love you" or "I understand" when no one else has?

Sometimes I'm pushed into my Super Mom role, and sometimes I pull back...regardless, we're all being pushed and pulled. We can't stop the pushing or pulling, we can only try to re-direct it where we want to go.
I wish you luck with the pile of snow over your head, and hope we all find the sun.

Just another Manic Monday

So I'm suffering a wild case of Super-Mom today....I have to catch the train in 40 minutes and I am hoping to feed and dress my son for day care, feed the cat and dogs, pack a lunch, and load dinner into the crock-pot. Oh yeah, and I'm writing a blog! Let's hear it for more rain.....Booo!

One Philly Daddy

     OPD here.  1st let me introduce myself.  Wait, I just did that.  Well, a couple interesting things about myself.
     1)I love spaghetti.  It doesn't matter whether it's with butter, olive oil, or sauce.  As long as there is a buttload of grated romano cheese on it, I'm happy.  2)  I think we all missed the boat on sporks.  Our table settings would all be much less crowded.  Enough about me, onto the topic of the day:
4 for 4
     As a father there are lots of things I am responsible for.  I'd like to talk about one of those things that aren't talked about very much: 4 for 4.  Living near a major metropolis like Philadelphia, it is my responsibility to make sure that my child(or children as it might be in the future), grow up rooting for all 4 major sports home teams.  In our case, the Phillies, Sixers, Eagles, and Flyers.  There is nothing worse than a Cowboys fan in Philadelphia.  There is only one reason for that -  BAD PARENTING!  Admittedly, I am not a big Flyers fan, but that's b/c I don't really like hockey.  I still want the Flyers to do well, and that's good enough.  I will still carry out my parently duty of introducing the Flyers to my baby in a positive manner so as to insure he doesn't grow up a Bruins fan, or worse yet - a RANGERS fan:-(
     If you see your child start to waiver, and he/she utters phrases such as, "I  like the way Peyton Manning plays", or "Derek Jeter is a great player", you need to nip it in the bud.  Acceptable responses would be, "yes but he turns into a mean werewolf at night", or "he has really bad gas".
     If you happened to be a woman married to a Cowboys fan and you live in Philadelphia, or vice versa with the man/woman part, you're in a tough situation.  The 1st thing I would recommend is an amicable seperation with joint custody:-)  If that is not an option, you need to fight this battle and you need to WIN this battle for your child's team loyalty.  The lyrics of the song are not "root  root root for the Away team."  A healthy love of the home teams are essential to a child's sense of belonging and community.  So let's go parents...do the right thing!  Hopefully OPM lets me do this again, and I might even talk about a more serious topic....and I might not!

Oscar Movie date night - Guest blogger tomorrow!

The weekend is upon us, and tonight, we plan to sit on the couch, watch some Oscar winning films and eat delivered Chinese food. We are hoping to fit in Up, Precious and The Hurt Locker. Sounds like perfection to me!

This weekend Gamma (my Mom) is coming to town to soak up some grandbaby and stay for dinner. (Hooray for the Crockpot, which by the way has an iPhone app!) Should be a lovely day, and I know she's really looking forward to seeing how much her grandson has grown up. I'm sure he'll be all smiles for her too!

Aside from that I'll be praying the rain doesn't end up in my basement or washing away what little mulch I have left in my yard...

And be sure to check out One Philly Mommy tomorrow, as there will be a special guest blogger - One Philly Daddy!

Unflappable Mom at Real Simple Magazine

I recently received a subscription to Real Simple magazine from my sister-in-law (who in addition to being a super Mom to 3 cuties, has started safeTVision - awesome protection for your flat screen tv - check it out under "Stuff I love").

One of the articles in Real Simple seemed rather timely - "10 secrets of an unflappable working mom". In the article, the author (who is a working Mom of 3) lists 10 (funny how that worked out) secrets to finding that ever elusive work-life balance. You'll have to read the whole article to get them all, but here are a few of my favorites, in no particular order: (ok, I love them all, but that seemed like cheating...)

"Tip #5 - Getting out the door in the morning (without anyone in tears) is the only thing you have the achieve before 8:30 am"
I like this one because I'm always straightening something or wiping a counter before dashing out the door, driving my husband nuts. Sorry, honey, I'm going to keep on doing it, at least for now. Better to know and embrace your nuerotic behavior than deny it! (sometimes...)

"Tip # 7 - Go with your gut and don't second guess it later"
As someone who is constantly trying to figure out the "right" (dun-dun-dun) thing to do, certain that impending doom is just one wrong shoe choice away, this was a suggestion that got right to the heart of me. This is a skill I strive to learn, in many aspects of my life.

"Tip # Stop thinking of yourself as split into separate but equal roles. Worker, mother, me"
This one states at the end "You are one person, indivisible, who just happens to wear many hats. And while I get that the weight of all those hats can wear you down, at least be happy you've got something important  to do." I like this one because it echoes my early struggles with returning to work. Was I Mom, worker, wife, friend, dog watcher, dish washer..which me was I supposed to be? How could I be them all at the same time?

Mika Brzenzinski also references this in her book - "All Things at Once" - the idea that we are mother, and friend and worker, wife and everything at the same time. Sure, sometimes we are more one than the other, but we cannot divide out any of those parts of us.

So, with any luck, I'll learn to embrace and cherish every part of who I am, and be One (Happy) Philly Mommy!

Disappointment

I found out today that I didn't get picked to be a blogger for ING Direct.
They chose 5 people from everyone (hopefully there were more than 6 of us!) who applied to write a monthly blog on their We the Savers blog for a year and get $200 a month deposited into their savings accout. Cool, right?

I figured it was a long shot, but there for awhile I was sort of hoping I'd get picked. $200 a month certainly doesn't change anyone's life (wait, that's not true - there were many times $200 a month felt about as reachable as $1,000,000.00) drastically, but it certainly would've started a nice cushion in my son's "jump start to life" fund (I've decided not to call it a college fund in my own mind, read here to find out why).

Please, please don't think that we're unable to support ourselves or anything like that - as a matter of fact we do deliberately save each month and are able to do most of what we want to do (including occasional vacations), its just we've never had to THINK about it so much before!

So that extra $200 a month probably woud've been most successful at helping us keep on not thinking, maybe not what we should be aiming for, but it still would've been nice.

Tonight we actually looked at the real numbers (not just what we think they are) and we have every reason to believe we'll be able to reach our goals. If we work toward them.

Which is how goals work. I'm fairly certain I can learn a language, run a 5K, wake up and make it to work on time more days that not, or whatever else I want to accomplish. But I can't accomplish any of those things just by thinking, I have to actually take action at some point.

So we'll reach our financial goals. We're just going to have to do it the old fashion way. By putting our minds to it and DOING IT!

Darn!

Are you too nice?

My husband and I experience the same frustration, over and over again, with some of the details changed out.

It might sound familiar to you.

I consider myself a strong woman and believe firmly that each of us is responsible for our own happiness and that it is imperative that we "take care" of ourselves, that to not take care of ourselves is, in fact, reckless because of the harm it causes to our sense of well being and therefore, those around us. (If I'm miserable, I'm bound to make those around me miserable...)

And yet.....

Well, let's start at the beginning.

I've been trying to get back into shape and "take care" of myself, and about a week ago I decided to go to a yoga class I've loved but not "had the time" to make it to in a few months. I looked up the class I wanted to take and wrote it on my calendar, intending to attend the class. I knew this was something that would make me feel good and strong and rejuvenated.

Then, about 3 days ago I "realized" (I'd known all along...) that the class was at 7 pm, about the time my son goes to bed. Well, I decided it wasn't such a good idea to go to yoga after all, I mean, it is my son's bedtime, and what kind of mother would rather go to yoga than put her darling baby to bed. So I figured I would just work out in the morning.

Well, this morning I did not fit in a workout before my son woke up and wanted to be fed (in my defense, he keeps waking up earlier and earlier...), so I hoped to fit something in this afternoon or evening. Since the weather was so darned nice I suggested to my husband that we all go for a walk as a family. Again, thinking, this would be "good" for me. Some time out of the house, not cleaning or working, just walking and talking (talking with my husband about "nothing" is my favorite thing in the world).

My husband said he wanted to go for a run when he got home from work, but that we could go for a walk sometime in the evening. At some point I realized that I'd been considering running a 5K in a few weeks and mentioned that maybe I should run instead of going for a walk to my husband.

When he got home, he ran, showered, we ate dinner and as I was cleaning up he asked if there was anything he could do for me. I let him know there was some music I could use downloaded and asked him to work on that...he got into the task of downloading the music for me, which was a much more complicated task than I thought it would be.

About 20 minutes into I told him that I didn't want to work on dowloading the music anymore. I mentioned it again 5 minutes later. But at that point, he was consumed by the task at hand, and wasn't going to be distracted.

An hour and a half later he emerged from the office, clearly proud that he had figured it out, and happy that he had accomplished this thing for me.

I was ticked off.

All I wanted was to get out and fit in one measley run! By now it was our son's bedtime, and dark out, which meant my husband was worried about me running...

There are a few facts that make the entire night a little unfair to my husband:
1) He had no idea I'd already compromised what I really wanted to do at least twice, all for the "greater good" of whatever I'd decided was the "right" thing to do
2) I never said to him "get off the bleepin' computer, I want to go for a run already!!!" or any variation of that message
3) I was barely able to express my gratitude for downloading the music for me

Now, before you decide that I am nuts or deliberately trying to make my husband nuts, let me explain.

I didn't change my mind to make anyone confused or crazy. Its because I'd decided the "new" way would be better for the family somehow. I'd be there to put my son to bed. I wouldn't "make" my husband go for a walk when he'd already done his workout. I could still fit in everything that I "had" to do and not infringe on anything that anyone else wanted to do. No one would have to accommodate me in any way.

Trust me, my husband and I have been through and talked through this enough times that we can pretty openly talk about what happened, without a lot of animosity. He's sorry he forgot I wanted to run, I'm sorry I just didn't say what I needed.

Still, I realize its got to be a bit annoying.

So here's my advice:

If you are a woman who compromises what you want to do, please, try to learn how to stand next to your husband and say "Could you wrap that up, so I can please, please, please have 15 minutes to do what I want to do?" And don't be embarrassed for needing something or worried that he'll be annoyed that you are bothering him. Just learn to say what you want and need. (And then, please, call me and give me the secret...)

If you are a man married to a woman who is too nice, please, listen to her off-hand, quiet, "no-big-deal" requests - they may be more important to her than she lets on. And then, remind her that she'll never get what she wants if she can't ask for it....

And I did get to run after all.

Pressure

I was talking with a co-worker who is still nursing her daughter recently and we commiserated over the pressures and challenges of continuing to nurse while working and being a working Mom.
There’s the pressure to continue nursing because that’s what’s best for baby. But once at work, there is an opposing pressure. We feel like there’s the idea that we shouldn’t “take the time” to pump while at work, especially in the current economic environment. Everyone’s job feels precarious right now, so drawing attention to myself for “not working” doesn’t seem like a good idea. And since I feel extra pressure to provide for my family now that I am a working Mom, the pressure to keep my income feels doubled.

I’ll tell you a secret you probably won’t believe: I work a lot harder now, even though I work from home 3 days a week.

Not only do I feel additional pressure to provide for my family and do well at work, but I also feel like I am being scrutinized closer than ever. Do people think I’m not working enough, do they feel my quality of work is keeping up? When I work from home, I know that people are carefully observing how long it takes for me to respond to emails and phone calls. Do I sound professional enough when I’m working from home? Because I feel the extra pressure and extra scrutiny I feel like I have to work even harder just to prove myself. (Its like the pee-wee coach who so desperately doesn’t want to be accused of favoring his own son, that he pushes his son harder than he’d ever push anyone else’s son…)

And yet, I’ve never been told that I can’t pump at work. I’ve never been told I need to reply to emails quicker. I’ve not been told I’m not getting enough done. Even the pediatrician told me to nurse as long as I could, but that when it no longer felt worth the stress and strain on me, that it was ok to stop. But just considering to stop nursing fills me with conflict and guilt. It is, after all, what is best for my son. Why would I not want to do what is best for my son?

So are these pressures real or perceived?

Am I really being scrutinized more closely? Or is it just me putting some extra pressure on me?

If it is “just” me, where did it come from? How and when did I come to conclusion that I had to nurse, work, keep the house, cook dinner, etc?

Already today I've unloaded the dishwasher and put in a load of laundry and have another lined up and ready to go. I'm at the laptop working, hoping to fit in a workout sometime today, thinking I probably need to get up before 6 to fit that in.....the toilet really needs to be scrubbed and our hampers are exploding.

But the sun is shining and today is another day. If today isn't the day I conquer the world, maybe I can pull it off tomorrow.....

An inspiring Oscar acceptance speech

I watched some of the Oscars last night. Ok, I only saw one award, (I had a really busy but really fun weekend) and it happened to be for the Best Score. Normally those awards are annoying (sorry) but a friend grew up with the man nominated for "Up" - a movie I have not seen but have heard is a great, great movie.

Well, he won, and his acceptance speech was fabulous, wonderful and inspiring. He said when he was a child and wanted to be creative his parents and teachers never told him it was a waste, instead they encouraged him and supported him. And then he said (this is the great part) so if you are a child and you are out there and the people around you are telling you it's a waste, don't listen to them, listen to me, it is not a waste, follow your dreams, be creative if you want to be creative, listen to me.

I'm a sap for kids, I think they should be protected and loved and built up (have you ever complained that someone believed in you too much?) so I teared up just thinking how invaluable one voice can be to a child who may not be getting loved and protected. Sometimes just one "you can do it!" can drown out all the "you can'ts" and I hope there are a few children out there today walking a bit lighter and smiling a bit bigger and daring to hope that maybe, just maybe, their dream could come true.

I hope I never tell my children that their dreams are a waste.

Happy Friday!

And a very happy Friday to you!

I don't know about you, but I am thrilled that it is finally the weekend. This was one of  those weeks that felt like it went on for-e-v-e-r. (Maybe its because we worked a full week and there were no snow days? Shocking!?!)

But now its over and I'm looking forward to a nice weekend. Even better, we've got some great "grown-up" (non-Mommy and Daddy) activities planned. (Don't get me wrong, I adore my son with every fiber that will ever be of my being...)

I have (what a luxury) an appointment for a haircut AND highlights tomorrow...I go to a local Beauty School for my cuts and color, and I've always been pretty lucky with the quality of the cut and color. Its a nice way to "spoil" myself without spending loads of money. Honestly, I think they care more than some of the way over-priced salons I've tried...

Then, we've got a college friend and his wife coming for a visit on Saturday.

We're going to try to cook scallops for a pasta dish. Luckily, my sister-in-law got me a subscription to Real Simple, a super great magazine with lots of real hands-on advice, and there's a great recipe (which we're totally not following) with directions about cooking scallops. There are those friends you only offer  your best dish (which in my case is....grilled cheese? :) and then there are those friends you say to "I've never done this before, but I really want to try, and  think it will be fun!" The friends coming tomorrow are definitely the latter. And if we mess up, we've got 4 frozen pizzas, so no one goes hungry!

And Sunday, dinner in the city and a concert at Tin Angel, an awesome, awesome, awesome place for dinner and a show - super great food downstairs at Serrano and then a concert to see Laura Tsaggaris at Tin Angel.

Fair warning - come Monday, I'll probably be complaining (ok, call it what it is, bitching....) that my house is a mess and I haven't finished the laundry, BUT this weekend is gonna be GREAT!

Have a great weekend out there!

Sad day to remind us what is important

Today is one of those days to remind us what is important.

And I'm not sure I'm acting "in-line" with what I think is important.

Today is the funeral for the mother of a good friend of ours. Sadly, this is the third mother-of-a-friend who has passed this year.

While I never met this woman, I care for her son and daugher-in-law (who are those salt-of-the-earth good people who'd never, ever do anything to hurt anyone) and the love they have for her is palpable when they talk about her and her passing.

Unfortunately today is a busy day at work and I made the very difficult decision to not attend the funeral. I'd rather be at the funeral to support my friends, but feel that I need to be at work given some current situations there.

Big scheme of things, never thought I'd pick "work" over "family". But I guess in small ways, I do everyday. When I'm short with my husband if he calls and I'm in the middle of something at work. When I let work intrude on my thoughts when I'm not there.

Luckily, my husband is able to attend the funeral (and agrees with my decision to go to work, even as I continue to agonize over it), so I feel that at least "we" are making our support known.

I hope my friend's know I love them and feel their loss very deeply, even if I "can't" be there.

Hands on Daddy

My son (and I) are very lucky to have a hands-on Daddy (hubby).

My husband works with his family and while some of us might cringe at the thought of working with our family, there are many, many perks for my family.

My husband was able to stay in the hospital every minute (except for very brief runs home to let the dogs out) with me when our son was born. Which was a god-send because our son required oxygen his first 3 days and I hurt my back during delivery and was barely able to walk. My husband slept on the recliner next to me for 48 hours, shuttled me to and from the nursery so I could visit with our son, stayed home with me nearly a full week after I was home, and was able to run home to get me things from the kitchen until I was able to walk (nearly a month).

My husband has been to every one of our son's doctor's appointments (even I can't say that). If I forget to pack something in his bag for daycare, my husband can run it over. He's been to every appointment at Sears for pictures.  If I have a conference call for work, my husband takes the baby to work or to Grandmom's house so I can work.

We are super blessed that his schedule is this flexible and accomodating, and that our son can have both parents present for nearly every event.  

6 month pictures at Sears

One of the greatest things about working from home is the time before and after the work day that I get back.

Last night I sat on my tush and did pretty much nothing (didn't even get around to painting my nails). But the awesome thing about today being a work from home day is that I could get up at 6 am, workout (briefly, but it still counts...), feed and change my son, unload and load the dishwasher, put away the 5 loads of laundry (how I wish I were exaggerating), wash out the bottles from daycare on Monday, shower and dress and STILL be at work by 8 / 8:15 this morning. It really is amazing what can be accomplished when there's no commute time!

And this evening was successful for the same reason.  I finished work at 4:30, closed up the laptop and headed to Sears to get pictures taken of my son. Ok, I'll admit, pictures at Sears are pretty cut-and-dry portrait shots, but I wanted something more than the candids from home to chronicle my son's life. And, I can't afford to have a photographer come to my house every 4 - 6 weeks for those cool artsy shots (plus, would I have to clean too?).

Sears has some great specials as well as a "Super Saver Card" program available (at $10 per year it more than pays for itself). With the Super Saver Card you get a free 8x10 everyday, and no sitting fee. And the specials they send out are pretty good too.

Today we got a 8x10 collage (special they were running in store, 2 pics in a collage for only $5), and an 8x10, a 5x7's, 4 31/2x5's, 4 wallets and 16 mini's in color AND a 3 1/2x5 and 4 wallets in black and white for a whopping $13.76. (besides the collage, they are all in the same pose, just for full-disclosure)

I wish I was kidding, I'm not usually that good of a shopper. But I swear - $13.76.

We love getting the pictures because they capture my son at different stages. We don't go at pre-scheduled times, just when we "feel" like it, but we've captured him sitting, and standing and smiling at right about the times he started doing those things. Because we can get so many prints we got Grandmom and Gamma frames and update the picture inside everytime we get more pictures. And we get enough different sizes to be able to give them out and share them with lots of other people too.

Besides, the last time you went out and bought a picture package with tons of pictures, didn't half of them sit in a drawer somewhere? Who needs 82 prints of anything?

Our house is slowly turning into a shrine to our son (but that's normal. right?) but I'm sure we'll keep going and I hope, if and when, we are blessed with a second child, we'll keep up the habit of going. (Nothing like building a shrine to baby #1 and forgetting to get pictures of baby #2!)

So let's hear it for working from home and getting 2 1/2 hours of my life back!!

Doing what I want to do, not what I have to do...

So I've been tearing through life and its never-ending to-do list, but tonight is a change of pace.

Tonight my husband is at a 76ers game (part of his Christmas present from yours truly) with a friend, my son is sleeping (and has been for almost an hour already), and I am sitting in bed, in my pj's, with my laptop and a bag of Teddy Grahams cookies (which are unfortunately stale).

I might take a hot bath, drink a glass of wine and / or paint my nails. Or maybe none of that. Maybe I'll just go to sleep.

Trust me, there's ton to be done in the house, so this is not one of those "rest because you earned it" sorts of things.

This is one of those "because I want to" things.

I occassionally (my husband will laugh hysterically when he reads that) have a hard time knowing what I want to do, let along actually doing what I want to do. But it really is so important.

A friend of mine recently decided that she was taking time to go to the gym, even if it meant the house wasn’t as clean. Since her family has a history of health problems and she has children it was easy for me to see how her health was the obvious priority. Her kids will care more that she is around and healthy long into their lives than that there wasn’t dust. It was so easy to see that in my friend’s life but it is something I struggle with.

I'm definitely much more inclined to be consumed with what I "have" to do, not what I "want" to do.

On the occassions I do manage to take the time to do something that lights me up, makes me feel whole and wonderful I find that I have that much more to give to my husband and my child and my job and everything. So there is the paradox of doing what you want to do, instead of what you have to do. Taking time out to take care of yourself actually makes it easier to do all the things you HAVE to do. Ironic, huh?

So tonight, I'm sitting on my a$$, watching weeks old shows on my Tivo and considering trying out my new shade of nailpolish.

There are 5 loads of clean laundry waiting to be put away, clean dishes in the dishwasher and clean pots in the drying rack, cat and dog hair, um, everywhere, and cat litter probably beginning to be a bit stinky...

And. I. don't. care.