I’ve hesitated to write about this for some time. The situation is still going on, and the outcome remains completely unknown. But it is taking up a lot of room in my mind, so perhaps this will free up some room for other things.

I’m in an unfulfilling position at a non-profit going through a merger where no one’s position is guaranteed.

Since I returned to work from my FMLA Maternity leave, things have been up in the air with merger “talks”, then decisions, negotiations, and finally restructuring. We’re in the restructuring process, and, as often happens in these situations (this is not my first merger/buy out experience) things take longer than expected and planned.

So what we’d hoped to be wrapping up soon will probably be going on into the new year for at least a few weeks.

Prior to my maternity leave, things were different. I worked long, hard, crazy, busy hours. If I took a lunch, I came back to multiple voicemails and emails. I accomplished incredible quantities of work. My philosophy and response was “I can do that” no matter how crazy the request, how short the deadline, how big the project. (And most of the time, I did do “it”.) If I didn’t know how to do it, I found out. If no one else wanted a project, I took it. If a position was vacant, I filled in until it was filled. Sure, I was frustrated sometimes, and overwhelmed by all the work at times.

But I also felt important, busy, valued, appreciated, necessary, awesome. I had a complete sense of having it all. I could have a family, a challenging job, contribute financially to my family and feel great doing it. I was PUMPED at the prospect of it all.

Now, unfortunately, I feel listless, unsure, confused, unnoticed. My tasks have dwindled (hopefully to increase if/when the merger is finished), and I hate to say it, but I’m not sure anyone really notices I’m here. I can go days, if not weeks without a work related voice mail (I don’t count telemarketers).

It is disheartening and disconcerting to feel so invisible after feeling so indispensible.

I yearn for a purpose, a sense of accomplishment.

Have you ever noticed the phenomenon that the busier you are, the more you can get done? I epitomized that phenomenon at work for awhile, and now I am bogged down in the flip side. No focus, no drive, no motivation. It takes me an hour to write a fax now. I used to do that in the midst of returning a phone call AND an email.

I feel like my brain is turning to mush, and I miss the fire and rush of feeling necessary and important.

So, I'm going to try to get that rush somewhere else, brainstorm a personal project that might give me that sense of fulfillment I am missing.

This situation at work will pass, and whatever the outcome, everything will work out. But I bet finding an independent source of fulfilment, a passion of my own is a worthwhile pursuit.

What's your passion? Is it really yours or is it dependent on someone or something else?