Adventures in working from home...

Since I work from home three days a week (lucky me!), One Philly Son is quite accustomed to laptops, files, papers and the like.

In fact, when I pull out my laptop in the morning, he squeals with delight. The changing colors of the start up process are just about the most amusing thing he's ever seen. Emails are also exciting, even though I know he wishes I'd just let him have it on the mouse and keyboard. But seeing as they are the property of my employer and not my personal equipment, I don't think that's going to happen (even though I'm sure they have an insurance policy for this kind of thing).

He also loves pulling pens out of my bag, which gives me visions (or nightmares) of Emergency Room visits with injured eyes, so I try to keep the pens out of reach.

But today, he discovered the small pocket holding my business cards. These small, perfect one-year-old-hand-sized pieces of thick paper were thrown, tossed, bent, folded, pulled and pushed in and out of my bag. Such joy!

Which of course means my business cards are now a pile of crumbled, but well loved, pieces of paper. Since there is a merger in process at work, I imagine these business cards will be soon obsolete, as we order all new supplies with our new and improved name.

I still think we got our money's worth out of my supply!

Passing time....

The weather is turning decidedly Fall, which is a nice respite after a Summer of 95 degree days, phew!

The changing seasons are a great reminder of the passage of time, and time certainly flies once you have kids.

I just busted out the next size of baby clothes (which I don't think I can legitimately call "baby" clothes anymore. Toddler, little man, kid, not-yet-verbal-but-definitely-has-his-own-mind-person yes. "Baby" - no) and I can't help but think that just one year ago One Philly Son was barely holding up his own head.

Now he's crawling, nearly walking, feeding himself real food, chasing the dogs around the house and certainly becoming his own person.

Everyone says time goes too fast with kids, that you never have enough time, that they grow up so fast. And this is one in a long line of things that I agreed with and understood but also had no comprehension of until I actually lived through it.

I'm not being emotional or sentimental, but realistic and honest when I say that in "no" time at all One Philly Son will be headed to pre-school, school, middle school, and on and on and on.

The time that I have with this perfect little being is short, so short, and I intend to make the best of every minute we've got.

Motivation

Or lack there of...

So I haven't been terribly motivated lately. The yard needs weeding and raking. The floors need sweeping and mopping. 4 baskets of laundry need putting away.

And honestly, I don't care.

Awesomely One Philly Daddy is supportive of this lack of motivation. I often wish he was more of a do-er, a do-it-yourself fix it guy like some of the husbands I see always tinkering or fixing. But I know I'm blessed not to have a husband that demands the house be a certain way or cleaned often or something like that.

So, I'm enjoying this really weird warm spell we're having (even though it might be a bit too warm. 90? In September? The end of September? Really?) and the lack of productivity.

I'm sure the urge to "do" will return and I'll be productive once again. Until then, I'll revel in my laziness.

Review of Cooperage

So it is almost already a week since we ate at Cooperage so I thought I should finally get around to letting you know how it went.
I really liked the atmosphere to start with. Water glasses are mason jars with handles, and your silverware will be rolled in a cloth napkin standing up in said mason jar. The plates remind me somehow of what you'd imagine the quintiscencial Southern Grandma would have. White but designed something along the lines of this,  but less elegant, more  country. Its the kind of laid back, don't-feel-like-you-have-to-be-on-your-best-behavoir place that I really like.

We were there for Restaurant week, so didn't really explore the full menu, but there were lots of options on the Restaurant week menu.

I started with Hushpuppies, which I'd never had before, but came served with blueberry spread which was really yummy. Then I had the Summer Berry Salad, which was just ok. But I love salads served with fruit, berries and nuts, so I might have high standards than some. My dinner was the Scallops which came with a yummy Sweet Pea sauce. My final course was the Peach Cobbler with Vanilla Ice Cream.

There are some spicy options on the menu, but I (who can't/doesn't/won't eat spicy food) was able to find plenty of non-spicy options to choose from, even on an abbreviated Restaurant Week menu.

My brother had the Gumbo, only complaint there is that they didn't bring a spoon. And while Gumbo is not a "soup", a spoon would've been nice. His girlfriend (who's just lovely!) ordered a dessert with chilli and chocolate, which was an interesting combination, but too interesting to really enjoy (chocolate is sacred to me, and again, I don't do spicy). One Philly Daddy is NOT a dessert person, but they were offering a cheese plate in the dessert tray, and One Phily Daddy IS a cheese person.

The cheese plate had 3 cheeses, and a server came to explain the different cheeses, where they were from, and the differences in their tastes and textures. One of the staff told us the guy who delivered the cheeses had worked at DiBruno Brothers, so I imagine he knows a lot about cheeses!

The service was good, the food was good, and the company was great!

I also learned about a blog, http://www.uwishunu.com/ with all kinds of information on events, happenings and restaurants in Philadelphia.

Check it all out!

Does meditation lead to a quiet mind?

So, in my quest to be Liz Gilbert (author of Eat Pray Love), I've started, um, meditating . I've loved yoga for years, so I guess meditation might be considered the next logical step...

OK, I've meditated like twice, but the concept fascinates me. My mind goes, not even kidding, a million miles a minute. Have you ever heard that you can't think of two things at once? Well, I can tell you that is bullsh*t, I can simultaneously worry about 5 or 6 things at once. On a good day! Some of them are realistic "did I turn off the stove?" sorts of questions and some of them are just plain ridiculous...

But I'm the first to admit, most of these worries are unfounded and unnecessary.

Its just that I've been doing it for so long, it got to be sort of a habit.

Like smoking or biting your nails. (Hey, I wonder if there's a patch or gum to help with worrying. Probably, but probably only in Europe because the FDA is still testing it...) But I've long since outgrown the usefulness of those constant what-ifs and worries.

I've heard from lots of people you'd never imagine meditating, that they do, and that it is awesome. Tough beer-swilling frat guys all the way to super Type-A's.

I'm not looking for a great Earth-shattering experience or to hear God's voice. Just a little quiet would do just fine, thank you very much. (Although, there are books to aid with Meditating to Attain a Healthy Body Weight, so there are lots of things meditation may help with...)

Oh, and Liz, if you're reading this, don't get freaked out, OK?

Restaurant Week in Philadelphia

Hey all you Philly-ites!

Its Restaurant Week! I love, love, love Restaurant Week. Some super great restaurants participate that otherwise I might not afford or have the guts to try...

For those of you who don't know, participating restaurants (find the list here) agree to offer a set menu for the fixed price of $35. They have to offer at least 3 courses, but some of the less expensive restaurants over 4 courses. New this year, some restaurants are also offering a lunch menu for $20.

Also new this year, instead of just one week, these fixed menus are available September 12-17 & 19-24. 

One Philly Daddy and I are taking the opportunity to meet up with my brother for a yummy dinner and night on the town at Cooperage....

So get out there and EAT!

Learning to be content where I am

Since One Philly Son was born, I've experienced ebbs and flows of satisfaction regarding my decision to work from home.

I've felt alternately stretched and pulled into being worker, Mom, wife, housekeeper all at once and also abundantly blessed.

It is difficult to be faced with the decision to answer this email or pick up your son. Its not easy to realize your baby is learning to play by himself, perhaps not because this is an innate skill of his, to be self-entertained, but rather because he has too, because you can't get down on the floor and play with him right now.

On the flip side, of course, I feel blessed to maintain my full earning level during these trying economic times. I know people who've been looking for a job (just something to pay the bills so they can stop raiding their retirement fund, these people are not waiting for the job or anything...), so I know how blessed I am to have an income, benefits, AND three days a week to work from home and be with my son. How dare I complain when so many have less?

In many ways, working from home is THE perfect set up. A combination of keeping your feet in the adult, professional, have-to-take-a-shower-and-brush-your-hair world and the my kid is my life, sit-on-the-floor-and-bang-on-pots-and-pans world.

I am so aware of how blessed and lucky I am, that I sometimes can not believe that I would have the audacity to question it.

Because I know at least 2 things to be true:
Number 1 - I am beyond blessed.

Number 2 - I am blessed with exactly what I asked for.

But I suppose it is human nature to fall into the grass-is-always-greener way of thinking. "If only this or that, then I'd be truly content and fulfilled."

I know as much as anyone that no external factor can determine happiness or satisfaction. That has to come from within. The goal is to be true to yourself, honest with your desires, and do what you can to achieve those desires. But the goal is also to be content with what you have, finding that balance of striving for more while being satisfied with what you have.

What a tough balance, right?

I know I'm not the only one to finally get just what I wanted, only to feel like maybe its not all I thought it would be after all. What "wishes" have you had granted, only to realize its a little different than you imagined?

How a cold inspires me to get back on track...

So I'm still sick...achy, sore throat, runny nose, exhausted....and therefore cranky.

Lucky for me One Philly Daddy has pretty thick skin, AND went out and purchased some NyQuil for me, so hopefully I can sleep tonight....

Also lucky for me One Philly Son is pretty easily entertained and consoled, so today when I was home and sick with him, he was pretty easy to take care of.

This is one of the challenges of parenthood. The never having a day off, even when you are sick. Even if Mom or Dad is sick, the kid(s) need to be fed, clothed, entertained, watched, taken care of. Its not like I can leave a one year old to fend for himself because I'm sick.

But my argument isn't going to be for the pain or challenge or stress of this responsibility. Instead, I'm happy to report this is probably only the second time I've been sick since One Philly Son's birth. Since I can't take a day off to just sit in bed, drink tea and watch horrible day-time TV, I'm going to try to focus on staying healthy and fit, rather than bemoaning the days I am sick.

My summer has been super busy so working out and eating well have not been a priority, but now that the schedule has slowed down a bit, its time to get back on track. Vegetables, fruit, yoga - its all coming back!

As soon as I can breathe through my nose, of course.....  ;)

Sick and tired of doctors and health insurance

I am sick. My throat has been scratchy for probably 2 weeks, but within the space of one month's time One Philly Son had pink eye, a yeast infection / diaper rash, AND a double ear infection, which I think/hope are all cleared up now. I don't think our day care was entirely joking when they said he couldn't get sick anymore...

So I guess it shouldn't be a surprise that I got sick.

Thursday I was not feeling well, so I went to the doctor, who diagnosed pink eye. My ear and throat complaints were deemed "not too bad" even though they seemed pretty annoying to me.

Since One Philly Son had pink eye, I was familiar with the prescribed drops, Vigamox, and their cost on my health insurance. $70 for a teeny-tiny bottle. I asked my doctor if there was a generic option, but since I wear contacts and the generic is not as effective, we decided to stick with the expensive prescription.

Today I woke up feeling terrible - sore throat, headache, aches, cough, tired. I hardly slept last night and needed to take a pain killer just to fall asleep.

So back to the doctor I went. Where I was told my throat still didn't look bad, but that I had nasal drip, so I would be treated for a sinus infection. Which is luckily treated with a $5 generic antibiotic.

One Philly Son's been to the doctor a few times for his various ailments and we have to go back for his one year shot boosters (one set of shots is not enough for some of his immunizations, poor kid) in the coming weeks.

I'm not asking for something for free, but it is quite annoying to go to the doctor, explain the symptoms and be sent home (our favorite was when we took One Philly Son to the doctor twice, only to be told it was viral, and he ended up needing medication only a few weeks later) not "sick enough", only to return, finally sick enough to be prescribed some medication. We are not the type to go to the doctor or pediatrician for the slightest thing, so I think we should be given the benefit of the doubt. If we say we are sick, we are indeed, sick.

I understand the need to make money and that, unfortunately, medicine is now a business. I think the reasons to be a doctor must've changed over the past 100 years from "I want to help people" to "I want to help people and make a lot of money" to "I like paying for malpractice insurance" to "I love paperwork and fighting with insurance companies".

Hopefully we're all on the mend, and hopefully One Philly Daddy doesn't end up with one of these ailments. I might just scream if I have to pay one more $30 co-pay for a 3 minute visit with a doctor or $70 for more eye drops.

Home decorating with kids

Pre-kid, I occasionally marveled at the homes of those with children.

I marveled at the toys everywhere. I marveled at how much these grown adults had shrunk their lives to accommodate the tiny people.

I've always loved kids and wanted them, so it was rarely a judgement of cleanliness or something along those lines, though occasionally I thought the sheer quantity of toys was a bit overdone.

I couldn't see myself transforming my house into the play land that I saw so many other's homes become.

And now that my son is just over a year, I get it.

The love for my son is the most unconditional, giving love I've ever experienced. I want him to feel safe, happy, excited, adored (within healthy reason), and that he belongs here.

So my house has become a toy land for One Philly Son.

We rearranged and got rid of furniture to make more room for his toys, hung signs on walls, purchased swings, slides and sandboxes. Wine glasses have been relocated to boxes in the basement to make room for bottles, sippy cups and colorful spoons. Our "office" has been moved to the cold basement.

Even though he's only a year, I'm already painfully aware that my time with my son is limited. One day he will grow up, move on, and move out. At which time, I can redecorate and put away picture books and singing Elmo's and bouncy seats. Until then, I'm content to have my son's toys and books outnumber my candles, picture frames and knick-knacks. I'll leave his birthday decorations hung up as long as he'll laugh at them, and until we get a house with more storage, most of my wine glasses will live out their days in the basement.

And all that seems like just the way it should be...

What changes did you make that you didn't understand pre-kid?

Eat Pray Love - the movie

Like many, many women I read and loved the book Eat Pray Love, so when the movie came out, I was eager to see it.

I love to read, and I love to see a book brought to life. I saw Stepmom, The Notebook, The Time Traveler's Wifeand The Da Vinci Code after reading them. I very firmly believe that the book must be read first, before seeing the movie. In almost every case, the book was much better than the movie, and it was better to read the story prior to seeing the movie.

So I went to see Eat Pray Love in the theater, and I loved it. It was true to the story and I highly recommend it! (I'm not going to ruin it for those of you who may not have read or seen it yet. But if you're a woman who's ever been conflicted about what/who you want to be when you grow up, had your heart broken or fallen in love, you'll find something to relate too...)

Visit to Sesame Place

I recently visited Sesame Place in Langhorne with One Philly Son, a friend of mine and her 1 year old.

I'd never been, but purchased a season pass. What I purchased was really a season pass for 2011, but it included the rest of the 2010 season. Children under 24 months are free, but everyone else costs $53 for one day (though there is currently a special, if you buy one day, you can get a second free, that you can use in either 2010 or 2011), and parking is $15. So I purchased a Season Pass (the Big Bird, I think) for $122 that gives me unlimited access for the rest of this season and next season, as well as parking. If we go twice between this year's remaining season and next year's, it will pay for itself.

Additionally season pass holders get additional benefits, like a 30% discount on all purchases in the park, and occasional days to bring a guest for free (there's one coming up September 11 and 12), so I think its well worth the investment. The whole One Philly Family is planning on going so One Philly Daddy can see what all the fuss is about!

On the day we were there, it was 95 degrees, but there are plenty of small wading pools for the kids and they had a great time. There were a lot of people there, but it seemed to be there was still room to move around, and get to the attractions.

But, I have to say the best part was when we got in line to meet Cookie Monster. The characters appear at intervals throughout the day and a non-character staff person moves the line along very quickly for kids to greet the characters. Everyone has plenty of time to hug and greet the character, so I don't want you to think the staff will rush your visit.

Even cooler - you can take all the pictures you want with your own camera with whatever characters you can manage to track down, so its really not a ploy to sell pictures. (They'll get plenty of your money. I did purchase a Gatorade at the park, and it cost me $4, so the least they can do is let us take pictures of Elmo and Cookie Monster without charging us.) They also have Sesame Street set up, so you can get pictures with your kids on the steps, or in a Fire Engine.

We got our picture with Cookie Monster, and One Philly Son went WILD! Squealing, shrieking, smiling - I swear he thought he was meeting THE Cookie Monster! He is a HUGE fan of Elmo, I'm not even sure he knows who Cookie Monster is, but he was definitely still star-struck!

Its a big park and One Philly Son is a little too young to last more than a few hours (he was asleep in his stroller before we made it to the car), which is another reason to invest in the Season Pass - when he's tired, we can leave without feeling like we're wasting money.

They also have special events - fireworks, shows, holiday celebrations.

If you're in the Langhorne area with young kids, it might be worth checking it out.

How finances affect the decision to be a Mom with a career or a stay-at-home Mom

I won't say the choice is to be a "working" Mom or a stay at home Mom, because, trust me, stay at home Mom's WORK!

This is something I've debated since before day one of motherhood, and lots of questions are taken into account.

One piece that enters my inner debate/conflict is my Mom's experience. I was 12 when my mother entered a new phase of life as a Single-Mom. She had 4 children and had not worked in 12 years. She had no degree. She had no training. She had little employment history. Because of my father's bi-polar disorder and associated erratic spending and behavior, there was no savings. To my knowledge, she did not have a savings, checking or credit card account in her name. I'm not entirely sure she was allowed to know much of the details of the family's financial life.

As a child, I'm not totally aware of all the details, but I do know my father gave my mother grocery money, but that it was often not enough. During some of his manic, spending sprees (he started a sail making business for sailboats in our urban, land locked city. I think I'd seen one sailboat that looked like it hadn't sailed in years in the whole city.) I'm not entirely sure there was money for groceries. I do know churches donated food to us occasionally, particularly around holidays.

When I was young, my parents declared bankruptcy, and I remember all sleeping in one bed during the winter to stay warm. I remember school lunches being whatever Mom could scrounge up. It was disgusting, but tuna on graham crackers was a staple. I guess it was pretty cheap. I remember the first time I had a sandwich at someones house and they put more than one piece of lunch meat on the bread. What riches!

None of that is supposed to sound "oh poor me!"

But it does provide a great deal of insight, I think, into the depth of the debate many, many parents (not just Mom's) go through in deciding how to structure their "new" family. (As in, not the one they came from.)

My husband and I are in a vastly, incredibly different situation in all ways from my family of origin - financially, mental health, respect, support, communication, age (my parents were 21 when they had me, we are in our 30's), life goals, etc, etc, etc....

But the experience of seeing my Mom without resources, without the ability to depend on herself financially when the situation required it, without the skills and experiences necessary to be savvy financially certainly impacts my thought process. I can not imagine how insurmountable life must've seemed to her.

So it makes sense that job = money = security for me. So it is taken into account for the decisions I make for my family and for myself.

Still, its only part of the equation. What things affect the decisions you make for your family?

Children are brave

I suppose it is a normal maternal instinct to protect one's child, but occassionally this instinct to protect can limit a child. Luckily for me, One Philly Daddy can be in tune for when I'm setting that safety limit just a bit too close to home.

We spent a weekend with family at the shore this summer - it was One Philly Son's (OPS) second trip to the beach, and we'd been to the pool a few times, so he was comfortable with water and sand. He stared, amazed at the seagulls and wondered at the waves. He was just beginning to walk while holding on to someone's hands and insisted on crawling toward the water.

One Phillly Daddy and I stood at the surf, letting OPS put his feet in the water. As a wave would approach I would pick him up, sure the waves would frighten him, as even the small ones would come up to his waist. Each time I picked him up he fussed a bit, confirming my suspicion that he was afraid of the waves.

Finally One Philly Daddy suggested I leave him standing on his own two feet when the wave came in.

And he loved it!

Laughing, mouth wide open in glee and amazement, he gloried in the waves.

I'm so proud of One Philly Son for how brave he is, for how unafraid he is of new things, things he'd never seen, things that should be huge and frightening and beyond his comprehension.

I'm also proud of One Philly Daddy and I - he for seeing our son's need and voicing how I was not meeting it, and myself for trusting One Philly Daddy and One Philly Son and allowing my 10 month old to stand on his own two feet in the crashing surf.

He loved it.

Safe Fun in the Sun with Baby

I find that I am more concerned with a lot of things now that I have a son. I'm more interested in eating healthy, providing a good example by the way I eat (I've never been a "bad" eater, but find myself uttering the word "vegetable" a lot more when One Philly Daddy and I are planning out our meals.), good sleeping habits, reading to my child, and on and on.

One of these areas is sun protection. I do work (full disclosure) for the American Cancer Society, so this is a topic that I have a heightened awareness of, but still feel its important.

In Parent's magazine there is a full article on safety in the sun, complete with dermatologist advice. The most important tips are to provide as much coverage from the sun, either through shade or swim shirts (a good idea is to buy a size larger for your child, as they tend to fit tight), use sunscreen and re-apply every half hour when in the water.

This is, of course, a far cry from when I was a child and routinely fell asleep in the sun without sunscreen, spending the night carefully propped up on cold washcloths and dousing myself in aloe.

Since we joined the pool AND had  beach trip already this summer (I know, lucky us!), I am being very careful to keep my son protected from the sun. We love Neutrogena's Baby Sunblock Stick because it makes it a breeze to apply to my son's face. For the top of his head (he pulls his hat off, and his hair is definitely not think enough to count as "shade" just yet!) we use the spray, even though it does make his hair crunchy.

Check out this list of other articles on Parents.com that might be interesting to you.

If there are any sunscreen products you love, let me know!

Traditions on family vacation

So we've recently returned from a Family Vacation to Wildwood, NJ, our favorite "local" family vacation destination.

My husband and I have gone there at least once a summer since the year we started dating, and plan to keep up the tradition for years and years to come. I've read family traditions are important for all kinds of reasons, and we have lots in Wildwood.

Every year we go, we get our photos taken in one of those photo booths, we go to Hassles for a friendly-but-competitive game of miniature golf, followed by a free ice cream for the winner (bought by the loser), we bike ride, we go to a Seafood dinner, we walk the "Boards" to play a few games and go on a few rides. 

Of course, some things were different this year. Our attention to the sun and suntan lotion was a bit higher than normal, and One Philly Son was decked out in a swim shirt, hat and confined to the shade most of the time. Nap time was not just a luxury of vacation, but a necessity, and our signal to wake up changed from our hungry bellies to our son's hungry belly.

We usually take our bikes, but this year, with all the extra stuff we had to cram in the car (pack 'n plays and the like), there wasn't room for our bikes. So we rented a great two-seater like this one, that had an infant seat attached to the back.

Of course, One Philly Daddy and I had a great time, and were very excited about all the "first" things we were able to share with One Philly Son. As is typical, I suppose, One Philly Son barely registered the events that were occurring around him. He fell asleep on the beach during his first visit there, on the bike during his first bike ride on the Boards, and gave us a peculiar "what's all the fuss about?" expression for a lot of the fuss we made.

Still, we had a great time, and I know that in a few years, when he's old enough to know that every summer we go to Wildwood and ride bikes, go to the photo booth, and play on the Beach, I know he'll be excited to see his "firsts."

Change in perspective..

And like the wind changes direction, so does my outlook...

Which can be good or bad. So the work situation I was lamenting yesterday, today seems like a blessing, heaven on earth, I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

Isn't that funny how that can happen sometimes?

Today I attended on off site work meeting and got to work from home in the afternoon. Since this is normally a work from the office day it meant One Philly Son was at day care while I worked. Ironically, I found myself both amazed at how easy it was to focus and get things done, appreciating the relative peace and quiet and also missing him like crazy. I had to fight the urge to pick him up early, just to have him with me. How confusing motherhood can be!

For some reason the total lack of control I have over my work situation seems less horrific today, more manageable, just another of life's mysteries instead of the world on my shoulders.

So I'm going to run with this new sunny outlook for as long as it lasts. Which I'm guessing will be until the next resignation announcement....

Patience is a virtue

Every now and then I start to wonder about my life.

Am I happy with what's going on? Am I being true to myself? Am I shortchanging myself in anyway? Can I be proud of the life I am leading and the choices that I am making?

Currently these questions center around the issue of working and my family.

Do I want to work? Do I want to work full time? Do I want to work where I am working? Am I happy doing what I'm doing? How do I best provide for my family while taking care of myself?

Never mind that my current work-from-home schedule is what I dreamed for and worked very deliberately for, never mind that I am currently living what we planned for as the "best case scenario."

I'm sure it doesn't help that my professional life is in a bit of turmoil at the moment. Talks and water-cooler gossip about mergers, resignations and the like don't make for a fulfilling atmosphere.

It can be pretty hard to put your heart and soul into work when your work is filling you with uncertainty and doubt.

I think my real "problem" is not so much with whether or not I am happy with my situation, but with how long my current situation will last. The unknown is always a bit unsettling, particularly when you have no control over the unknown.

I'm a bit of a planner. I know what bills I'm paying with what paycheck through the end of the year. One Philly Daddy and I have been planning when to start trying for baby #2 for months now. And it's still months away. I've already started saving for One Philly Daddy's dream vacation to Las Vegas for his 40th birthday. Which is 6 years away. I debate the virtues of our school district, even though my son is not yet 9 months old.

But all I can do in this situation is keep going to work, and wait. (Quitting for the sole reason that I am stressed about what might or might not happen just seems silly.)

If you haven't guessed, I'm not all that patient!

So, I think I'll use the situation at work of not knowing what is going on as an exercise in letting life unfold, being open to what may came, and trusting that everything will be ok.

If I plan it right, I should be ok with this situation in no time at all!

My struggle with weight...

I ran into an old boyfriend recently who'd I'd once asked if he'd love me more if I weighed 10 lbs less.

Sadly, or to his credit, depending on your point of view I suppose, he said he could not answer because he didn't want to lie. We all know that means the answer was yes.

I'm also reading Losing It: And Gaining My Life Back One Pound at a Time by Valerie Bertinelli right now (my office sells used books for 25 cents in the lobby for fundraising, so its not like I went looking for it, but its a good train read), so I've been thinking about weight and its struggles.

Bertinelli talks of times when she was young and thought she was fat, talked about her self as fat, expected to be treated a certain way because she was fat, and then looking back on those photos and realizing she wasn't fat in her youth at all.

I think most of the girls I know thought of themselves as fat when they were young. God knows I did. Which is sort of hilarious looking back. I attended my senior prom with my then boyfriend, and then attended the prom my freshman year of college with a good friend who was going to be a priest and therefore didn't have a girlfriend. Since I was a year more worldly, I wore the same dress, not caring who saw and noticed. But it makes for an interesting comparison since the pose and the dress are the same.

The year I attended as a senior in high school I am straight as a stick on the side view. I did have a chest (thanks to my Polish Nana, we were never lacking in that department), but zero behind, hips or waist. Thank god for my chest, or I'd be built like a boy. By the next year there was a noticeable rear, though still not big by any means. That year I spent much less time comparing myself to all the thinner and more beautiful girls, and just had fun.  

But as I young girl, I think it is almost a rite of passage to be negative about your appearance and weight. I can't think of one of my young girl friends who thought she was ok just the way she was. And yet so many look back on those years as the time they looked the best.

I currently weigh what I weighed when I found out I was pregnant, even then my ideal was a few pounds lighter. I'm probably 5 lbs from my personal ideal and am considered to have a healthy weight. But when friends or co-workers compliment me and tell me I look good or thin or got "back into shape", I am quick to point out those last few pounds instead of just saying "thank you." Most of my new-Mommy friends respond in the same way.

My point in all of this is not whether any of us was fat or thin, but how distorted our thinking could be from reality. And my distortion did not go nearly so far as those who ended up with eating disorders, so I can't imagine the pressure they put on themselves. I think for some reason, we feel compelled to point out the pounds we haven't lost, instead of the ones we have (I did gain 40 lbs when I was pregnant, so being 5 lbs from my ideal should be something I'm proud of, not ashamed of).

Try to see yourself as you really are, not the distorted not-good-enough self, try to say "thank you" instead of "no I'm not" when someone points out something good about it.

I bet it feels a whole lot better.

By the way, you look great today.

Self awareness goes a long way

This morning I was walking from the train station to my office when I heard a driver yelling at someone who'd gotten in her way. This woman was smoking with one hand, gesturing with the other, and presumably driving with her knees.

As she swerved around the offending car (who I think had the right of way) I caught a glimpse of her license plate.

It read:

"Mean People Suck"