Lessons learned by being married...

Marriage is a funny thing. By some standards marriage is only considered "successful" if it doesn't end in divorce. Which means you only really know if you've succeeded or failed at the end of the marriage, one way or another.

As a daughter of divorce, there were times in my life I assumed that I was somehow destined to fail, or at the very least, not be good at this thing called "Marriage". I'd read all the statistics (in this sense, all those Sociology and Psychology classes in college were terrifying. "I have a 7 in 10 chance of doing what?!?!?!") and sort of figured a successful marriage was about as likely to happen as me sprouting a tail and horns.

Which was very, very saddening for me. For many reasons. There was little I wanted more than a happy, healthy home, and to build that for children of mine. Some people dreamed of being a lawyer or a doctor. I wanted to join PTA and take my kids to soccer practice. I wanted a haven from the world, a place that felt free, relaxed, accepting and safe, even though I had no idea how to go about doing any of that.

I also have a bit of a stubborn streak (one of the many gifts passed on from my parents) and do not like being told what I can and can not do. So all those Sociology and Psychology books telling me it was "statistically unlikely" for me to have a succesful, happy marriage and raise happy well-adjusted children was like a big fat dare.

And I took that dare.

I've read all kinds of books on marriage, love, you name it: Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage (written by Elizabeth Gilbert, the witty, brutally honest author of Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia) and Surrendering to Marriage spring to mind.

I read novels, I read research papers, I read articles in magazines, I quizzed my friends, family, nearly strangers on the street. Just how do you go about this, what have you learned that I can borrow,  what should I do?

Now that I'm nearing my 3 year wedding anniversary, I'm relaxing into my role as "wife" a bit more. I'm not so certain every word out of my mouth is "the wrong" thing to say, or that every disagreement is something that needs to be examined and searched over for clues as to what it all means, what our future holds.

Of course, my husband has been a great help in this process. Not because he sits down with me and talks out his feelings or examines every nuanse of our life together with me (though sometimes he does.). Because, he shows me by example, this is how it is done.

"You can be scared or brave and make mistakes and be angry and be happy, and not know where life is going to take you, and I am going to be right here."

It is a staggering lesson, and one I might never fully comprehend, but it is quite possibly the coolest thing I've ever learned.